


Can't Help Falling in Love

by bikai



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Hamburr, M/M, THATS RIGHT FOLKS, almost forgot to tag that one, guitarist!alex, handjobs, im back, more angst than the first one, rock band!au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-12
Updated: 2017-09-12
Packaged: 2018-12-27 06:20:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,361
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12075264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bikai/pseuds/bikai
Summary: After you've been treated like a toy by all kinds of people for your entire romantic life, how are you supposed to react when someone treats you like you're something special?If you had been handled roughly your entire romantic life, how do you respond to being handled gently?Finger guns and emotional distancing, that's how.





	Can't Help Falling in Love

**Author's Note:**

> Fuck ok it's done ok  
> Heyo y'all guess who decided to crawl out of their depression and write something for once  
> It me  
> Anyways here have this I've been working on it since forever

It was late, past midnight when the apartment door opened. Aaron just barely heard it in his unconscious state, but he faintly registered the familiar sound of a guitar case being placed on the ground and a closing door and footsteps. There was a soft knock at his bedroom door, and he briefly contemplated getting up to open it, but then the door was opening and Alex stepped in. He shut the door quietly and crept over to the side of the bed. Aaron's eyes were only open a sliver but he could still see Alex in the dark room, shedding his hoodie and then his shirt, followed soon by his jeans. 

Aaron shifted in bed, making Alex turn and look at him. “So you used your key to get in, but still knocked on my bedroom door?”

Even in the darkness, he could see Alex’s trademark smirk lighting up his face. “I just wanted to make sure you weren't, like, masturbating or something.” He responded quietly and amused as he pulled back the covers and got in beside his boyfriend. Aaron snorted and turned onto his side to face him. 

“How was the gig?”

“It was fine. I'm beat though.” Alex leaned forward and kissed him for a few lengthy seconds, then pulled away. “And I missed you.”

Aaron hummed and moved in closer, letting Alex curl up against his body and tuck his head into his neck. “I'm sorry I didn't come.”

“It's fine babe, really.” Alex nuzzled his neck with his nose, making Aaron smile, and then settled his hand on his thigh. “I know you don't like crowded bars and staying out late like the old man that you are.”

Aaron rolled his eyes. “That's true but my adoration of you overcomes my hatred of crowded bars and staying out late.”

“Aw. That's sweet.” He felt Alex's lips stretch into a smile against his neck. Then, there was the unmistakable feeling of wet kisses on his neck and a tongue slipping out to trace his collarbone.

“What are you doing?”

“Isn't it obvious?” Alex breathed out hot against his neck, sucking hickeys into the skin and biting. Aaron felt that all too familiar feeling building deep in his stomach and his groin beginning to stir.

“It’s late, Alex. You should be exhausted.”

“Good thing I’m not though, right?” 

Alex's hand moved off of Aaron's thigh and instead went to the hand that was resting on Alex's hip. He held it and leaned back, bringing Aaron's hand up to his mouth and kissing his knuckles and fingertips. Without warning he plunged Aaron's hand back under the covers and into his boxers, his head tilting back as he did so. 

“God.” He whispered as he put Aaron's hand on himself, his eyes fluttering shut. “I missed you.”

“You're so needy.” Aaron muttered fondly and pulled Alex closer. He ghosted his lips teasingly over his neck, listening to the way Alex gasped each time he twisted his hand. 

“Am not.” Alex let go of Aaron's hand and brought his hand up to his chest, his fingers curling as Aaron's hand continued to move in his boxers. He did something with his hand that made Alex arch his back towards him, a whine escaping his mouth. Aaron groaned uncontrollably at the sound and started to move into their usual position, pushing Alex onto his back and moving between his legs. 

“W-wait.” Alex put his hands on Aaron's chest and pushed slightly, and he stilled instantly. 

“Are you okay?” Aaron started to take his hand out of Alex's boxers, but Alex grabbed it and kept it there. Aaron watched him swallow and catch his breath, his eyes shut and lips slightly parted.

“Yes. Yes, I-I'm fine.” Alex nodded and opened his eyes into Aaron's. “I just uh…can I be on top this time?” 

Aaron blinked down at him as Alex licked over his bottom lip nervously. Aaron tracked the movement with his eyes, taking note of the way Alex flushed and his own hunger grew a little more.

“You want to be on top?” Aaron leaned down and slowly started to move his hand again, his breath hot on Alex's face. Alex caught on to the tone of his voice and smirked, nodding. “Yeah?” Aaron was so close Alex could feel his lips move as he spoke, obviously teasing him.

“Yeah.” Alex nodded again and then giggled stupidly. Aaron twisted his hand suddenly, making Alex's mouth drop open and a gasp make its way out. Aaron parted his own lips and covered Alex's mouth with his, swallowing down every little grunt and groan he pulled from the man below him. 

“God, okay, o-okay.” Alex's hips bucked up into Aaron's grip, and his thighs shook a little bit. Aaron moved away from his mouth and moved his lips down his jaw. “Let me up.”

Aaron nodded silently and pulled his hand from Alex's boxers. He flipped their position, rolling over onto his back and pulling Alex over him. Alex slid his hands under Aaron's shirt and over the muscles of his stomach. His face was already flushed and his groin was already throbbing against Aaron's hip. It took him so little to get going; or at least it did when it came to Aaron.

Alex rolled his hips languidly against Aaron's, a moan tearing itself from the back of his throat. He stilled and gasped for air, his chest heaving. Aaron chuckled a little, trembling beneath his boyfriend.

“Are you okay up there?”

Alex opened his eyes and scrunched his nose up in mock anger. “Oh, shut up.”

Aaron laughed again, but he definitely wasn't complaining. Alex removed his hands from under his shirt and moved them to Aaron's shoulders for better grip. It was so funny how he went about this, as if he was preparing himself for something or answering a challenging question. He readjusted his grip on his shoulders, swallowed thickly, licked his lips, and shifted downwards on Aaron's legs. He leaned forward for a new angle and rocked his hips down onto Aaron's, letting out a slow breath and ducking his head against his chest. 

Aaron moved his hands to Alex's thighs as Alex continued the motion, squeezing whenever Alex delivered a particularly rough thrust. After a little while of just Alex rocking against him, Aaron arched his hips upwards in time to meet him, the added friction making both of them groan. Aaron stared lovingly up at Alexander as he bit his lip and squeezed his eyes shut. His idiot. 

The air of Aaron's bedroom already smelled of musk and lazy want by the time they both managed to strip completely. Romantic gestures were made between the two of them; a warm hand on Alex's thigh and another in his hair, hands framing Aaron's dark face for better eye contact, the warm friction of skin against skin, the soft and breathy moans of each other's names. The springs of the mattress groaned in harmony as the two of them moved intimately and perfectly together. 

 

Aaron groaned and tried to roll over, but the body next to him prevented him from getting that far. He heard Alexander mutter and felt him move a little, still oblivious to the world in his unconscious state. Aaron opened his eyes and blinked a few times to wake up. Turning onto his side in order to see his boyfriend, he smiled once he noticed the scratch marks on his back from where Aaron had dug his fingernails in last night. 

Aaron sat up fully and ran a hand over his eyes before leaning back down to kiss Alex’s head gently. Alex muttered again and hugged the pillow closer to his face, making Aaron smile as he got up, pulled on a pair of sweats, and headed into the kitchen. They'd only been officially dating for about two weeks, but by the way Alex had left his stuff strewn about Aaron's apartment, it would seem like they been dating for a year. His guitar case was laying by the front door and his hoodies - which Aaron thought he had an unreasonable amount of - were laying on his couch and in his closet. 

Aaron moved over to the coffee maker and started it up, before turning and getting a couple mugs down from the cabinet. They were still learning how to fully function as a couple, and it wasn't an easy thing. Aaron found himself to be very conflicted about going to each one of Alex's shows, as he didn't like bars and clubs but he loved Alex's music and his performances. So he decided he'd go to every other show and just focus on his boyfriend instead of the drunk patrons. It wasn't too hard to focus on him, not with the alluring way he sang and played, or with the way he pointed Aaron out during songs and sometimes sang directly to him.

_‘Hey you, with the pretty face! Welcome to the human race!’_

And every show Aaron didn't go to proved to be just as difficult to deal with. Alexander would come home after a show so late at night sometimes it could be considered very early morning, and it wake Aaron up each time the door opened. But he found he didn't quite mind whenever Alex crawled into bed with him and rested a hand on his chest. Other times he would just go over to Aaron's in the middle of the night because he had a bad dream or he was lonely. Either way, Aaron didn't care as long as Alexander was there and in bed with him. 

Alexander's friends were fun, even though Alex did everything in his power to keep the interaction between them and his boyfriend at a minimum. Aaron could see why too, each gig Aaron attended they'd all grab drinks afterwards, and John would refuse to stop asking Aaron if Alex was just as good in bed as Alex said Aaron was. Aaron would never forget the way Alex had choked on his drink and turned a furious shade of red before turning and punching his shameless friend in the arm. 

And Lafayette was absolutely shameless in a completely different way. He would flirt endlessly with Aaron in an overdramatic French accent, leaving Aaron to flush and squirm. Alex would lean over and push Lafayette away before pulling Aaron towards him protectively. 

Aaron heard the door to his bedroom creak and a moment later, Alexander came padding softly into the kitchenette, wearing a pair of boxers and one of his sweaters.

“Good morning.” Aaron spoke softly and smiled fondly as Alex came over to rest his head on his chest. 

“Mornin’ babe.” Alexander rubbed his cheek affectionately against Aaron's chest, before looking up at him through his eyelashes. They were long and dark and beautiful, Aaron realized in the back of his mind as he stared. “I smelled coffee."

Aaron smiled and reached behind them slightly to grab the coffee pot and pour the two of them some coffee. Alexander took his mug greedily and took several large gulps, making Aaron chuckle. As Aaron raised his own mug to his lips, Alexander lowered his, sighed, and pressed his head back to Aaron's chest.

“Did you sleep okay?” Aaron asked gently after taking a sip of coffee and moving a hand to Alexander's back. His boyfriend nodded and looked up at him.

“I always sleep great when I'm with you.” Alexander muttered groggily and stared at him for a moment longer before leaning up and connecting their mouths softly. Aaron could taste the coffee on his lips as he weaved a hand through his hair and pulled Alex closer. Alexander sighed appreciatively and kissed him harder for a split second before pulling back and resting their foreheads together. “Plus, it always helps when things go as good as last night.” 

Alexander winked and laughed a little as Aaron rolled his eyes, but he couldn't really complain. He too slept better when Alex was with him, the bed felt too big and cold and lonely without his body in it. When he was there, the bed seemed a little less big and not so empty and it seemed warmer. Especially on nights like last night, where the air of Aaron's bedroom wasn't just warm, but it was _hot_ and the bedsheets felt like fire beneath their flushed, bare bodies. 

Alexander kissed his cheek sweetly and then moved past him to grab a bowl from one of the cabinets. Aaron leaned back against the counter and watched as he opened up the pantry, looked around, and then snorted. 

“My God, Aaron. What the hell do you eat for breakfast?”

“I'm pretty sure there's Raisin Bran in there somewhere.” Aaron craned his neck to look over Alexander's shoulder. Alex grabbed the purple box and turned back to Aaron with a face that said are you kidding me? Aaron shrugged innocently.

“Oh my God, babe, you are such an old man.” Alexander snorted and rolled his eyes, but set the box on the counter and moved over to the fridge for the milk. “Remind me to bring some Lucky Charms the next time I come over here.”

“I'm quite fine with my old man cereal, but thank you.” 

Alexander turned from where he was pouring milk into the bowl of cereal. “I'm not dating an old man who eats Raisin Bran and drinks coffee for breakfast.” Alexander opened the fridge to put the milk back, closed the door, and then pressed a kiss to Aaron's cheek. Aaron felt his lips curve into a smile as he turned his head and slid their mouths together. “It's time to put some spice in your life.” Alexander murmured when he pulled away, making Aaron roll his eyes as he pushed back in. 

Alexander hummed and then moved closer to him, placing his hands against Aaron's bare chest. Aaron placed his mug on the counter and instead moved his hands to Alexander's hair, weaving his fingers through the strands gently. He heard Alex whimper appreciatively, but the whimper turned into a sudden moan when Aaron tugged harshly on his hair. Alex's hands moved down lower on his chest as Aaron massaged his scalp almost apologetically, earning another whimper from his boyfriend. 

Alexander broke away from Aaron's mouth and tilted his head back, exposing his throat, like prey offering itself to predator. Aaron laughed fondly and leaned in to brush his mouth tenderly over the area before letting his tongue slip out to taste the skin there. Alex’s hands slipped into the hem of his sweats and he tugged on them helplessly before pulling away suddenly, ducking his head and retreating across the kitchenette until he bumped into the counter behind him. Aaron stared after him as he busied himself with pulling the hair from his face and into a bun.

“Are you okay?” Aaron moved towards him worriedly, but Alex turned away slightly, refusing to look at him. 

“Y-yeah, I…” he cleared his throat and looked up at Aaron for a second before looking back down. “I'm fine, sorry.”

“No, no it's fine, I didn't mean to-...or…” Aaron looked down and rubbed his hands along his thighs as Alexander busied himself with his cereal. Aaron grabbed his coffee mug from the counter down took a sip, stewing in embarrassment as he worried if he had done something or touched him wrong. After several moments of Alex eating his cereal in silence, he cleared his throat, catching Aaron's attention. 

“Um, I've got another show tonight, at a gay club downtown. Y-you don't have to come if you don't want, but I just thought I’d let you know.”

“Of course I’ll come, Alex.” Aaron hesitantly put a hand on the small of his back and stood next to him, smiling in relief when Alex leaned into him. “That's two shows back to back, that's good right?”

“Yeah, I guess.” Alex rested his head on Aaron's chest and was silent for a moment. “But some of these places just need people to book, you know? Doesn't necessarily mean anything.”

Aaron rolled his eyes but smiled good naturedly. “If you say so.” 

Alex sighed and pushed the bowl of Raisin Bran away with a pout of disgust. Aaron laughed softly as Alex muttered something like ‘I can't believe you eat that’.

“You don't mind if I invite a couple friends to your show, do you?” 

“Oh dear,” Alex turned back to him, a nervous smile on his face. “Is it going to be like meeting your parents?”

Aaron laughed and considered the question for a moment. “Yeah, I guess you could say that.”

“Wow, I guess it's getting pretty serious.” Alex looked him up and down and smiled, but something in his voice seemed nervous. Aaron wanted to take the offer back, it was obvious that bringing along James and Thomas would make Alex uncomfortable. Before he could say anything, Alex grabbed his mug of coffee and started to move out of the kitchen, probably to go shower. Aaron panicked, wanting to make the air in the room less tense, so he grabbed Alex by his bicep and kissed his cheek quickly.

Alex laughed and turned to kiss Aaron in return, making him sigh of relief. Alex pulled away after a long moment and locked eyes with him before reluctantly pulling away and leaving the kitchenette. Aaron leaned back against the counter and sighed, running a hand over his eyes.

 

“Okay, how do I look?”

Alexander straightened up in the backstage mirror, pulling anxiously at his shirt and then brushing the wayward strands of hair from his face. Aaron smiled, looking him up and down, from his bisexual pride t-shirt to his unreasonably tight gray jeans. Alex caught him staring and was forced to fight back his own grin.

“You look great, babe.” Aaron said finally as Alex bent down to open up his guitar case, purposefully displaying his ass in a way that forced Aaron to clear his throat and look away. 

“You sure?” Alexander stood back up, smirking at Aaron's flushed look, slung his guitar over his back, and walked sultrily over to his boyfriend. He only stopped once they were so close that Aaron could feel the rise and fall of his chest and their lips were almost touching. “You seem a little distracted.”

Before Aaron could respond, Alex leaned up and pressed their lips together for only a moment before pulling back slightly to lick at the seam of his lips. Aaron hummed as a slow smile spread across his face. He put his hand on Alex's side, and then trailed it slowly down past his hip and eventually swept inward to his groin, making Alex look at him surprise.

Aaron smirked as he yanked the zipper up on Alex's jeans, earning a little jolt from his boyfriend.

“Your fly was down.” He whispered quickly and with a slightly mocking tone. Alex scowled playfully at him, ducking his head bashfully when Aaron kissed the bridge of his nose lovingly.

He heard John sigh loudly from behind them, at one of the mirrors. “Jesus, okay you dumb lovebirds. Either get a room or get moving, we're on in five minutes.” His tone was playful yet slightly annoyed, and he threw a knowing wink towards Alex from behind Aaron's back. 

“Ah, Aaron!” 

Aaron turned and Alexander groaned. Lafayette swung his guitar smoothly over his back and grabbed Aaron's hand, raising it to his lips with a sultry look in his eye. “Simply gorgeous as always, trés belle!” Lafayette kissed his way flawlessly up Aaron's arm, making him flush as Alex scowled. “On ne peut qu'imaginer ce que vous ressemble sous les vêtements, non?”

“Yeah, that's enough, Laf. Get away from my boyfriend.” Alex shoved him off and away as he pulled Aaron behind him protectively. Eliza was rushing around, trying to get everyone in order. She straightened out her skirt and kissed Theodosia quickly on the cheek before rushing Hercules out onto the stage. She waved her arms frantically as John and Lafayette followed quickly, the crowd immediately bursting into cheers and applause. 

“Okay, when are your friends going to get here?” Alex turned away from the stage and took Aaron's hands in his.

“They should be here around intermission, if not later.”

“Uh, okay.” Alex glanced off to the side again as Eliza waved at him frantically. “I'll come find you during intermission, babe.” With that he leaned up and kissed him hard and chastely, giving Aaron only a second to respond.

“Knock them dead out there.”

Alexander's hands tightened around his before he turned and jogged out onto stage with Eliza, and Aaron watched even as he waved to the crowd. God, he was in love. He finally turned away and towards Theodosia who was staring at him with amusement in her eyes.

“Come on,” she nodded towards him and started to leave the backstage area, “I’ll buy you a drink.” 

They got drinks at the bar as the music started, Theodosia with a classic rum and Coke, and Aaron with a cold glass of whiskey on the rocks. 

“So how are things with the band?” Aaron watched Alex play for a minute or two and then turned to Theodosia. She took a sip of her drink and shrugged.

“They're going good, but I think I’d rather talk about you and Alex.”

Aaron smiled and nodded, he knew this would likely be a topic. She looked at him expectantly and when he didn't respond she raised her eyebrows encouragingly.

“So? How's it going?” She prodded gently and Aaron could tell she was excited. He couldn't deny he was pretty enthusiastic about it too.

“It's going well. Really, I…” he turned and watched as Alex went into another solo and the crowd screamed, “yeah, I think it's going really well.”

“That's good. I'm happy for you two.” Theodosia smiled and took another sip of her drink. “I knew Alex just needed someone like you to get his act together.” 

“What do you mean?” Aaron tried to focus on the conversation but it was pretty hard with his boyfriend singing in that alluring way he always did to get Aaron's heart pumping. Theodosia sighed next to him.

“Well, to be honest, Alex isn't always the best person. He and John take anger management together. Even though it's mostly Herc dragging the two of them to meetings against their will.” 

Aaron frowned and she shrugged like it was obvious. Aaron couldn't lie, he had gotten that kind of vibe from his boyfriend, that kind of vibe that said ‘he's-kinda-a-douche-but-not-really’. It didn't stop Aaron from seeing the best in him. 

“He's definitely gotten better since he met you though, I can already tell. He needed someone like you to hold him back.”

“Thanks?” Once again, Aaron found himself completely mystified at this girl. She seemed to size people up in one glance, but in an accurate way, yet Aaron couldn't seem to get her deal. He wondered briefly if that's what had drawn Eliza to her. They sat in silence for a few more minutes, listening to the music from the band. As much as he mostly paid attention to Alex, Aaron couldn't help but notice that as John sang into the mic, he would occasionally glance back at Hercules at his drum set and smile like a lovestruck little kid. 

“How long have they been dating?”

Theodosia looked at him strangely, and he motioned to John and Herc. She stared at the two of them for a moment, then shook her head.

“They're not.”

Aaron looked back at them, and now John had turned away from the drummer and was singing normally again. “Oh. Sorry, they just looked like-”

“Well, they are a couple, but they aren't really dating yet.” She took another sip from her glass and sighed. “John’s not out yet, I don't know if he ever will be.” 

Aaron frowned. He wanted to ask why he wasn't out, but felt like it wasn't his place. 

“Conservative family.” Theodosia explained, as if she could tell what he was thinking. Aaron nodded, he knew that feeling.

“That sucks.”

“Yeah, it does.” They watched him for another moment, just long enough to see him look back at Hercules as he sang.

_‘Come a little bit closer, you're my kind of man, so big and so strong.’_

“He better knock it off or he's gonna get his ass caught.” Theodosia mumbled bitterly, but Aaron could tell it was more worry than anger in her voice. 

They spent the rest of the time until intermission talking about what schools they went to and what their majors were. Aaron found out that both Eliza and Theodosia went to NYU, Theodosia majoring in TV Production with a minor in Science and Society and Eliza majoring in Social Sciences with a minor in Peace and Conflict Studies. He told her he was majoring in Political Science with a minor in History, and she looked at him for a moment. Then, to his surprise she asked if he was the Burr as in the lawyer Burrs from New York. He nodded and smiled politely but secretly hated that he had mentioned anything about politics. He didn't want to be known as that Burr.

But she didn't raise the topic again, just nodded and understood. 

Soon enough, intermission rolled around and they both excused themselves to go meet their partners backstage. When they made their way backstage, John had said something to Alex that made him laugh out loud, making Aaron's heart swell. Theodosia moved over to her girlfriend while Aaron hung back awkwardly, unsure if he really belonged back here. But then Alex looked over at him, smiled in that sweet way he did sometimes, and motioned Aaron over to him. Aaron didn't need to be told twice, he walked over quickly and tried not to smile too wide when Alex hooked his arm around his waist. 

Alex rested his chin on Aaron's shoulder and whispered into his ear. “How's the prettiest guy in the world doing tonight?” 

Aaron looked down at him and smiled before kissing his cheek. “I wouldn't know, how are you doing tonight, Alex?” 

Alex stared at him for a moment, and then it hit him and his face flushed like it always did when Aaron got too sappy sometimes. A small smile lit up his face and he tucked his head against Aaron's chest bashfully. “I'm doing fine.” He whispered quietly and Aaron laughed. 

Alex took him over to a spot a little ways away from the group and they talked and laughed and kissed for the whole fifteen minute intermission, with Alex occasionally breaking away to shoo his friends away whenever they tried to approach.

They had been kissing for a solid twenty seconds when John interrupted to say they were on in two minutes. Alex nodded and wrapped his arms around Aaron's shoulders, smiling stupidly. John rolled his eyes and walked away. Aaron was about to ask what was up with him but Alex grabbed his face and pulled it towards him to connect their mouths again. Aaron smiled against his lips and leaned into him, feeling Alex shift his weight to accompany for the new proximity. Alex pulled back slowly, smiling to himself and shaking his head.

“What? What is it?”

Alex looked at him for a moment, licked his own bottom lip and then bit down on it, before looking down and shaking his head. 

“Nothing, you just-...you're always so...so-...nothing, nevermind.” Alex sighed and let out a breathy laugh. John called to him to get on stage, and Aaron took his hands and squeezed them to try and make him stay a little longer. Alex looked up at him quickly. “Who’s your favorite artist from the 70’s?”

“What?”

“Quick, I gotta go on!”

Aaron stuttered for a moment then came up with an answer. “Fleetwood Mac.” 

Alex looked at him for a minute and smiled. “Huh. For some reason I was getting some Cat Stevens vibes.” He shook his head and then leaned up to capture Aaron's mouth with his own before turning to run out on stage. Aaron wanted to go after him, not wanting him to leave so soon, but then the crowd cheered and Aaron sighed. It was too late now.

His phone buzzed as he was making his way back out of the backstage area, and when he checked he saw that it was James letting him know that he and Thomas were waiting by the bar. He pushed his way through the crowd of dancing patrons, occasionally pausing to watch his boyfriend play and sing on stage. He finally made his way back to the bar and looked around for his two friends. 

“Aaron!” 

Aaron turned toward James’ voice and immediately found his two friends standing at the edge of the bar. He made his way towards the two of them and smiled warmly. 

“Hey, sorry we’re late.” James’ voice came out shaky, and he cleared his throat as he straightened his shirt out a little bit. It didn't take long for Aaron to notice the growing bruises on Thomas’ neck and the way his shirt was poorly tucked. Aaron rolled his eyes. 

“You too could try to be a little less obvious, you know.” He scolded them halfheartedly as they snagged seats at the end closest to the stage. 

“We don't know what you mean.” Thomas tried and failed miserably to lie. 

“Your pants aren't even buttoned, Thomas.” 

James elbowed his boyfriend angrily and Thomas looked down at himself before discretely trying to zip up his pants. Aaron scoffed at the two of them and turned back to the stage to watch Alexander. He was listening intently to John play a bass solo, and by the time his friend finished, Alex let out a small whoop and began jumping up and down ecstatically. Aaron laughed fondly. 

“Isn't he stunning?” He muttered more to himself than to James or Thomas, and he missed the glance the two of them shared.

“Burr, I'm sorry but you have awful taste in men.” Thomas tutted and shook his head before waving over the bartender for drinks. 

“He is pretty good looking.” James muttered and Aaron turned back at him to smile proudly. 

_‘Damn right my boyfriend is hot.’_

Thomas looked between his boyfriend, then to Aaron, and then to Alex on stage. “Okay, what the hell is going on here?” 

Aaron laughed and turned back around as James patted Thomas’ knee reassuringly. They talked for awhile and listened to the music, and Aaron sighed in that lovestruck way movie stars do, the kind that you see and always think oh please, no one smiles like that, but here Aaron was with hearts in his eyes and the love practically radiating off of him. 

James took notice and it actually worried him, because he'd known Aaron long enough to see when he was falling. It had happened with Charles Lee in high school, but it had never been this bad before. One look at the way he grinned as he rested his chin on his palm, the wide eyes and blown pupils, the way he didn't clap when each song ended but just sighed and smiled wider, and James knew his friend had it bad. 

So it didn't surprise him when Aaron leaned back towards him, his eyes never leaving Alexander and whispered “I think I love him.”

But James already knew that.

And that's what worried him. 

Thomas choked on his drink and coughed as he looked at Aaron. “You're...not serious?” 

Aaron grinned and nodded before leaning back forward. Thomas looked at James, expecting him to say something.

“We’re not just going to let that guy play him like this, are we?”

James sighed and reached for his glass. Instead of picking it up, he wiped some of the condensation off and watched it bead on his finger tip before rolling down towards his palm. “Look at him Thomas, we can't ruin this.”

“They've been together for less than three weeks!” Thomas hissed, sparing a split second chance to make sure Aaron wasn't hearing any of it. “How could Aaron possibly know if he loves him?”

“I told you I loved you after only a month.” James looked at him for a moment, then smiled at the memory.

“Yeah, but, I love you back.” 

“Thomas! What does that mean?”

“You know what that means!” Thomas looked at Alex on stage and scowled. “I've seen him around. With lots of different people on his arm. He never stops for anyone, he's just going to drag Aaron along behind him!” 

“Yeah, you're probably right.” James sighed and leaned back into Thomas’ body. “But maybe he'll learn this time, you know? Besides, look how damn happy he is. We'd be awful people to ruin it like this.”

“And we'd be awful friends to let him break his own heart.” 

James stayed silent.

Aaron wasn't even paying attention at this point. He was too busy being caught up in the fact that Alex was playing a Fleetwood Mac song. He was playing his song. 

 

When the show was over, Aaron got up and rushed from the bar and through the crowd to the backstage area. Alex was busy laughing with Herc and John and high fiving the two of them. When he saw Aaron he excused himself quickly and jogged over. Aaron opened his arms and grinned as Alex threw himself into him. The two of them laughed as they embraced warmly, and then Aaron pulled back to look down at him.

“You were great out there, babe.”

Alex pulled back and for once looked like he agreed. “Thanks! It was actually a really nice show tonight, I was surprised.” He leaned back up to hug him again and then whispered in his ear. “Come on, I want to go home to celebrate.”

As much as Aaron would have loved to do that, Thomas and James were waiting back at the bar and he at least wanted to introduce him before they went back to the apartment and...did things. 

“We will, but I want to introduce you to a couple people.” 

He didn't miss the way Alex’s face fell but it brightened quickly. “Oh, right. That's fine, that's cool, let's- uh…”

He started to move and then stuttered. Aaron watched as he removed the guitar from his back and dropped to his knees to put it in his case. He ran up to Herc and told him something and he nodded and waved to Aaron. Aaron waved back. Alex jogged back over to him and looped their arms together before leaning up and kissing Aaron's cheek. Aaron grinned and leaned down to kiss him back, but the kiss landed right on Alex's nose and the two of them laughed breathlessly as they moved towards the front. 

By the time they made it back to the bar, Alex had stopped Aaron in the middle of the dance floor at least eight times to kiss him, and Aaron felt completely drunk on love. Aaron pulled him giggling over to James and Thomas, and cleared his throat.

“James, Thomas, this is my boyfriend, Alexander.” 

Alex smiled nervously and muttered a ‘hello’.

“Alexander, these are my friends, James and Thomas.”

James stuck out a hand and smiled warmly, God bless. “It's nice to finally meet you properly.”

Alex took it gladly and Aaron could already see him starting to ease up. So far, so good. He looked at Thomas, probably expecting a handshake, but Thomas narrowed his eyes at him and turned away. Alex's smile faltered as Aaron glared at him. Aaron took a seat next to James and patted the stool next to him when Alex didn't sit down right away. He could tell his boyfriend was nervous, and Aaron took his hand and squeezed it, trying to telepathically tell him it's-going-to-be-fine. 

“So, Alexander, how long have you and your band been performing?” James looked at him expectantly and Alex glanced at Aaron before responding. 

“Only a couple of years.”

“You guys are pretty good.” Thomas muttered before taking a sip of his liquor, surprising Aaron. “For a cover band, I guess.”

_‘Goddammit, Thomas.’_

“Thanks.” Alex muttered back and squeezed Aaron's hand, showing him that he was indeed trying. 

“Have you ever thought of doing anything independently?” Thomas asked, mocking innocence, even though Aaron could see right through it. 

“Uh, well yeah, we've had a couple interviews with companies, but nothing so far.” 

“So you write then?” James asked, and Alex shifted. 

“Yeah. Yeah, I've been trying but nothing has really come yet that has stuck.” Alex smiled tightly, probably trying to signal the end of the conversation. “Do you guys all go to the same school?”

“Yup. Princeton.” James nodded and smiled. 

“And how long have you three been friends?”

“Aaron and I met in sixth grade.” James explained, glancing at Aaron and smiling. “Thomas moved back to the US from France about two years later, and we all met in freshman year of high school.”

“Oh, cool! What were you doing in France?”

Thomas shrugged. “My mother has family there. I spent my middle school years there studying.” He grabbed James’ hand and smiled. “Then I came back to US to find this angel waiting for me.”

James looked at him strangely and rolled his eyes, but smiled back anyway. And then goddamn you Jefferson, Thomas leaned in and kissed his boyfriend. Alex shifted in his seat. Aaron looked back at him discretely and rolled his eyes, an apology. Thomas finally broke away and rested his chin on James’ shoulder.

“And you guys have been dating since then?”

Thomas nodded and before James could say anything, “Five years, going strong. Oh, but don't feel pressured or anything.”

God fucking damn this man to hell.

Aaron wanted to grab him by the collar of his shirt and shake him. What the hell are you trying to do, he would yell, scare him away?

“Excuse me?” Alex said after a moment.

“Thomas.” James growled at him warningly and pushed his chin off of his shoulder. 

“Well I'm just saying.” Thomas shrugged and spoke like it was obvious. Alex’s hand tightened around Aaron's. “It's difficult to maintain a relationship for that long and remaining loyal.”

“You think I might cheat?” Alex hissed and leaned forward. Aaron looked at him. Please don't start a fight. 

“Well, know that you mention it-”

James grabbed him by the ear, stood up and actually tugged him off his stool. “Can I speak to you for a second?” It sounded more like a demand than a request. 

Thomas yelped and stumbled off his stool quickly. “Ah, yes dear-”

Aaron sighed and shook his head. He knew this would be a bad idea. He turned in his seat and looked at Alex and found him staring silently at the counter. 

“Hey, ignore him, alright? He's just an ass-”

“I think I'll go use the bathroom.” Alex stood suddenly, refusing to make eye contact, and Aaron bit his lip but dropped his hand. 

“Yeah, okay, that's fine.”

Alex walked away into the crowd and didn't look back.

“That's fine.” Aaron whispered again, more to himself than anyone else. He turned around and faced his drink, sighing.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” James folded his arms over his chest and stared accusingly up at his boyfriend. Thomas rolled his eyes. “Seriously,” now there was fear in James’ voice. “Are you jealous of Alex or something?”

“What?” Thomas asked and then realized his boyfriend thought Thomas had something going for Burr. “What, no! James, you know I love you and only you!”

“Then why are you being such a prick?” James hissed at him and Thomas sighed. 

“Burr is like a brother to us, James, and that guy doesn't deserve him.”

“You don't think I know that?” James asked and then sighed in the same way Thomas had. “I know Aaron's going to get hurt eventually, but he's so happy, Thomas. Why should we ruin it?”

“To protect him!” Thomas said like it was obvious. “How can you just stand by and watch this happen?”

“When something happens, then you can beat the shit out of Alex, okay? A broken heart is nothing compared to the thunder you'd bring down on that guy’s ass. Aaron could recover quickly.”

“No he couldn't.” Thomas muttered and James turned to look at Aaron through the crowd, alone at the bar.

“Yeah, I know.”

Aaron took a drink of his whiskey and sighed. He looked down the bar, his chin in his hand. When he turned back around, someone was just sitting down in the seat next to him, but it wasn't his boyfriend. 

“Now, what’s a pretty face like yours doing here all by yourself?”

This night could _not_ get any worse, Aaron realized. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat as the man scooted closer. 

“I'm not all by myself. My boyfriend just went to the bathroom for a moment.”

“Well he must not be that much of a boyfriend if he leaves a young thing like you to anyone who might want a nice hookup.”

Aaron took a deep breath. “I should go. My boyfriend's probably looking for me.”

“Oh, don't be like that.” The man stood abruptly and grabbed Aaron's arm. 

“Let me go.” Aaron demanded, trying to pull his arm away and act brave, but the fear was already starting to show in his features. 

“Hey, it was a compliment, don't be such a prick.” He leaned in close and grimaced, and Aaron caught whiff of the alcohol on his breath. Aaron tried again to wrench his arm away but the man pulled him roughly forward against his chest and-

Alex grabbed him by his shoulder and yanked him back, away from Aaron, sending him stumbling into the bar and a few other patrons. 

“What the fuck do you think you're doing?” He yelled, the rage already evident in his voice.

James came up and touched Aaron's arm gingerly. “Are you alright? What happened? Did he touch you?”

Aaron was about to respond, but then there was that all too familiar sickening crack of a fist meeting a jaw. Aaron whirled around and found his boyfriend with both hands clutched to his jaw.

“Hey!” Aaron looked up at the man, who had pulled himself up from the bar, ready to beat the shit out of him, but Alex rebounded quickly and socked him right in the face. He didn't allow him any time to recover before grabbing him by the back of his and slamming his forehead into the counter. Aaron gasped sharply, and Thomas moved over quickly to break it up. Alex had already raised his hand to punch him again when Thomas wrapped an arm around his waist and grabbed his clenched fist, lifting him completely off the ground.

Alex squirmed in his grip as a few people went to help the man off the ground. Aaron gaped at the man and then looked at Alex, shocked. Alex met his eyes and his expression softened drastically. He looked at Aaron with wide eyes, as if actually realizing what had happened, and then turned his gaze on the man, groaning on the floor of the bar. Thomas stood still for a moment before looking at Aaron and narrowing his eyes as he loosened his grip on Alex and let him stumble to the ground. 

 

They drove back to Aaron's apartment in stone cold silence that night, with Alex pressing the makeshift ice pack the bartender had given him to the bruise growing on his cheek. Aaron would occasionally glance over at him but Alex stared out the car window the entire time. 

“How does your cheek feel?” Aaron asked quietly at a red light, finally deciding to break the silence. Alex only shrugged.

“Fine.”

Aaron sighed before reaching over and brushing his knuckles lovingly across Alex's cheek. “Honey, I don't think I believe you.”

Alex leaned into Aaron's touch and smiled when his hand unfurled to cradle his cheek. “It hurts, but only a little. I'm sorry I punched him.” He added the last part after a lengthy pause, when the light turned green and Aaron had to remove his hand from Alex's cheek to drive.

“Don't be sorry, Alex, I have to say I'm glad you did. That guy was an ass.” 

Alex made a quiet noise of agreement.

“Plus, it was pretty hot.” Aaron looked over at him and nodded when Alex laughed softly. 

“Hot or not, I’m sorry you had to see me like that.”

“What do you mean?”

“You know,” Alex waved a hand in the air, “all angry and shit. I….I don't know-...I wish you didn't have to see that side of me. It's not a really pretty side.” 

“Well, I think all your sides are pretty.” Aaron responded after a moment, hoping he didn't sound like too much of a damn sap. Alex snorted and flushed.

“Thank you...but still, I-I just never wanted you to see me like that. And I-...I’m working on controlling my temper, I am, but I just-...”

He sighed. Aaron took pity, reached over and grabbed his hand. He would have said something about what Theodosia told him, but he figured Alex wanted him to hear about his anger problems from him.

“I'm a little dysfunctional at the moment.” Alex whispered and then offered a halfhearted laugh. 

“You're not dysfunctional, Alex, you just said you were working on it.” Aaron glanced over at him as they turned onto their block. 

“Well, ‘working on it’ and actually improving are two different things.”

“That doesn't matter.” Aaron spared a glance over at him long enough to see Alex shrug in disagreement. “Alex, you're working on it, and that's what matters.”

“I guess.” Alex muttered and Aaron squeezed his hand. “Still, no one wants a boyfriend who has anger issues.” He muttered bitterly and Aaron tutted.

“Maybe I do.”

Alex snorted and rolled his eyes. “No you don't.” 

“Yes I do.” The car slowed as they pulled up to another red light and Aaron turned to him. “I don't think you understand just how much I like you. I don't think you understand how much I like angry, stunning, little immigrants who like Sam Cooke and play guitar and beat up stupid assholes in gay clubs and tell me I'm pretty everyday and once masturbated to The Bee Movie when they were drunk-”

“Okay, now hold the fuck up.” Alex interrupted, flushing and laughing. “I did no such thing. That was just John being a douche. I never- no, Aaron stop laughing, this isn't funny.”

Aaron ducked his head and tried to stop but soon they were both cracking up in the car. Soon, their laughter faded and the light turned green. It was silent for a moment, the silence only broken up by Aaron's disjointed, breathy laughs.

“My point was,” Aaron started, turning and smiling at Alex. “I don't mind that you have anger issues, or that you sometimes can't control your temper. No one’s perfect, love, but just because you have a temper and got off on a movie about bees once-”

“Aaron, I swear to God, that did not happen-”

“Okay, okay I believe you.” Aaron grinned and then laughed again, shaking his head. “Just because you don't think you're perfect doesn't mean I don't think you're perfect.”

Alex was silent. 

“I really care about you, Alexander. And that's not going to change, no matter what happens.”

“Thank you.” He whispered after a moment. “I really care about you too. Still, I’m sorry I ruined the night.”

“You didn't ruin the night, babe. That asshole ruined the night.”

Alex shrugged and removed the ice pack from his cheek, placing it in his lap instead. “Yeah, but I didn't make a good first impression, did I?”

Aaron sighed, frowning apologetically.

“I don't think they liked me in the first place anyway, so...sorry again.” Alex mumbled as Aaron parallel parked in front of his apartment building.

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” Aaron turned the car off and turned in his seat to face his boyfriend. “I knew you guys wouldn't hit it off. I shouldn't have forced you to meet them.”

“Well, I wanted to meet them.” Alex grabbed Aaron's forearms and pulled himself far enough forward to rest his head on Aaron's shoulder. “I wanted to be that awesome boyfriend that all your friends love.”

“Well you are that awesome boyfriend, it doesn't matter if my friends don't full on adore you. You know why?” Aaron twirled Alex's ponytail between his fingers and kissed his neck gently.

“Why?” Came Alex’s muffled reply.

“Because I full on adore you, and sometimes I think you can't really remember that.”

Alex nestled deeper into Aaron's neck. He could feel the heat radiating from Alex’s cheeks and the smile stretch against his neck. Aaron held him like that in silence for a couple more minutes, occasionally shifting to kiss his face softly.

“Do you still want to go inside and celebrate? We don't have to do anything if you don't want to. I have a bottle of red wine and two pints of Ben And Jerry’s, not to mention like, eighty different rom-coms we could watch.”

Alex laughed and finally pulled back to look at him. He stared for several moments before leaning in to kiss him sweetly. They kissed for several slow seconds, going at a completely different pace than the rest of the city at night. 

“As long as I get to spend the night.” Alex murmured finally when he pulled back, breathing heavy. Aaron grinned, breathless.

“You can always spend the night.”

 

About a week later, Alex, Aaron, Hercules and John were standing in the video store trying to pick out movies for their monthly movie night. Alex brought Aaron along to get his opinion on what they should watch. 

“Babe, whatever you want to watch is fine. Just know that I am not the most comfortable person around blood. I honestly might throw up.” Aaron told him as they stood in front of the shelves at the very back of the store. 

“Got it. No blood.” Alex muttered as he grazed his fingers over the spines of each DVD on the shelf. 

“Dudes, holy shit, check it out!” John grabbed a matte black box from the shelf with a skull and _Final Destination: The Series_ on it in iridescent print. “It's 4.99, I mean can we really pass this up, what a snatch!” He waved the box in the air and conjured up his best television salesmen voice. 

“Sorry, John, no blood tonight.” Alex shook his head and Aaron smiled apologetically over his shoulder. 

“Well, I can't pass this up like you sad sacks so I'm getting it.” John tucked the box under his arm and did a double take on one of the shelves. “Holy hell!” He held up the value pack of the _Saw_ movies. “Alex.”

“Is it bloody?” Alex asked after a moment. John looked between the box, Hercules, who was standing beside him with a fond smile, and then back at Alex.

“Of course not.”

“John,” Hercules started but laughed when John shushed him frantically.

Alex turned to Aaron rolled his eyes. “We won't watch it.” He whispered as Aaron smiled and wrapped an arm around his waist. 

“Fine Alex, you want a family movie?” John shifted both the black boxes to his other arm and reached over to grab a DVD from the shelf. He held it up to Alex with a shit eating grin on his face. 

_Shrek: The Movie._

Aaron turned away, laughing underneath his breath. Alex rolled his eyes and looked away.

“I'm not watching that with you.”

John huffed and turned to Hercules. “Babe? Will you witness this masterpiece with me?”  
Hercules smiled and shook his head.

“Oh, come on. What if I go down on you? Would that change your mind?”

Alex gasped dramatically. “Thot!” He cried as Hercules flushed and laughed. John grabbed a stress ball from a small bowl on one of the shelves and chucked it at Alex. All four of them burst into hysterics, only stopping when one of the workers came by to shush them. She fixed them with a steely glare as they stifled their laughter, and then stalked away slowly. 

After picking out a couple of good movies, they made their way towards the checkout desk. John silently slipped the Shrek DVD into the oblivious man in front of them’s basket, holding a finger up to his lips for them to be quiet. They all watched and were forced to bite their tongues as the man, once he got to the clerk, stared in confusion at the DVD before slowly handing it to the teen behind the counter. As Aaron went to get the car, Hercules pulled Alex back by the arm.

“Is Aaron still coming tonight? ‘Cause I might have to make more of-”

“No, he's not really coming.” Alex whispered back, making sure they didn't look to suspicious even though there was probably nothing to worry about. “But it's supposed to be a surprise so don't say anything.” 

“Are you gonna fuck ‘im?” John whispered.

“John!” Hercules hissed and gave him a ‘what the fuck’ look. John shrugged. 

“If I’m lucky then yes.” Alex muttered, making John laugh and Hercules shake his head. He shushed them as Aaron pulled up with the car. 

 

“Okay, okay. Does it look okay? Is it too messy? Is it too cheesy? Shit, should I even be doing this?”

“Aw, Alexander, it's so romantic!” Eliza clasped her hands together as she peered into his bedroom and sighed. “You're too sweet, he doesn't deserve you.”

Alex scoffed mentally but didn't say anything.

“Damn, Alexander.” Lafayette came to look too, peering over both their shoulders and nodding. “Vraiment romantique, mon petit ami.”

“Thanks. I actually tried for once, do you think he'll like it? Is it too much?” Alex reached in and grabbed the knob before pulling the door shut and turning to both his friends.

“He's going to love it, Alex. If he doesn't, his face is gonna meet my fist.” Eliza started off in a sweetly sincere tone, but the last part came out with that signature deadly edge without losing any sincerity. 

“I mean, it'd make me...how you say, drop the pants?” 

Eliza scoffed at Lafayette's indecency as the two of them laughed. When there was a sudden, quick knock at the door, Alex jumped. 

“Oh, fuck! It's him!” He pushed past the two of them and ran over to the door. He slowed to a spot in front of it, looked over at them and hissed ‘be cool’, before smoothing his hair back and opening the door.

Right when Aaron stepped in, Alex leaned up to kiss his cheek. “Babe, hey!”

Aaron hooked a finger under his chin and tilted his head to kiss him. He felt Alex smile against his lips, and moved his hands to Alex's hips to be able to press their bodies closer. Lafayette cleared his throat loudly as he moved into the kitchen, making the two of them pull back with flushed faces. 

“Hey, Aaron!” Eliza smiled kindly and came in to lean against the counter as Aaron toed his shoes off. Aaron smiled and waved a little as Eliza started to help Lafayette load up a brown paper bag with bottles of wine and bags of chips. 

“Do you guys need any help?” Aaron started to move forward but Eliza shooed him away in that kind, motherly ‘no-honey-it’s-alright’ kind of way. Lafayette picked up a box of beer cans and started to move towards the door with Eliza following. Aaron opened the door for the both of them, missing the wink Lafayette threw to Alex over his shoulder.

“Oh, should I get my car?” Aaron looked between Alex and his friends, and Eliza looked at Alex knowingly before walking out and throwing the two of them a smile.

“Um, actually,” Aaron felt Alex grab his hand and turned to find him running the back of his neck nervously and licking his lips. Aaron heard the door close and turned to look but then Alex had grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and yanked him down to fiercely to connect their mouths. Aaron made a noise of surprise before letting his eyes flutter shut and leaning into it, his hands coming up to Alex's face as their tongues danced.

After a little while, Alex pulled away, panting and red faced and wiped his mouth as Aaron whistled and sighed happily. 

“I was thinking we could just stay here tonight? You know, just the two of us?” Alex brushed the hair back behind his ears and smiled hopefully at his boyfriend. Aaron nodded frantically.

“Of course.”

“Cool, I have a surprise for you.” Alex turned and then turned back around and pressed his fingers to Aaron's eyelids, closing them gently. “Keep them closed.” Alex whispered, his voice close and warm. After he removed his hands, Aaron kept his eyes closed and was rewarded by a soft kiss on the lips. He heard Alex scamper off down the hall followed by the opening of a door and then silence. A minute or so passed, Aaron shifted on his feet.

“Alex?”

“Alright, open ‘em!”

Aaron opened his eyes to find the apartment empty, Alex nowhere in sight. He looked around for a moment, until his eyes landed in the hallway where…

Where dark rose petals littered the wooden floor, leading a clear path into Alex's bedroom. He laughed quietly and shook his head, but started down the hall without hesitation. He stepped into the doorframe and his mouth dropped.

It was like a scene from one of Aaron's many cheesy ass rom-coms. There was a glass of red wine on Alex's bedside table, a record player sitting on the carpet beneath it, rose petals literally scattered across the floor of his room. The blinds on the window were open, throwing rosy gold light from the sunset across the room and across the bed and across Alexander's body, stretched out over the rose petals littering his own bed in the most flattering way possible. There was a dark red rose clenched in between his teeth and a wine glass with a similar colored liquid in it held in his hand.

Aaron had always loved Alex's room, from his collection of old vinyl records in the corner by the window, to his posters up on the wall of his favorite artists; _Pink Floyd: Dark Side of the Moon, Blink-182, The 1975, Green Day,_ even the _My Chemical Romance_ poster Alex had poorly tried to hide behind his guitar stand because he didn't have the heart to take it down. He even loved Alex’s bed more than his own, as stupid as it sounded, dark red sheets and all. It smelled like him and was warmer than Aaron's. He loved Alex's room but he loved it even more right now, at this moment.

“Oh my sweet God.” Aaron murmured as a slow smile spread across his face. 

“Join me, won't you?” Alex cooed through the rose in his teeth, leaning over to set the glass on the bedside table as Aaron started towards him. He tore the rose from his mouth as Aaron dropped down on top of him, straddling his hips. Alex propped himself up on his elbows to kiss him heatedly. Aaron wasted no time in dragging his tongue across Alex's lower lip, and he wasn't disappointed in the moan he earned. Alex wrapped his arms around Aaron's shoulders and tightened, tilting his head for a new angle and doubled his efforts; kissing Aaron in the way he probably knew he liked.

Aaron pushed Alex down into the bed so that they were chest to chest, their limbs all tangled into each other as their mouths moved. After a while of just tongue and hot breath and groans of what was supposed to be each other's names, Aaron pulled away to breathe, his chest heaving against Alex’s. Aaron tucked his head against Alex’s neck to hide his flushed face, and after a couple silent moments of trying to regain their breath, he heard Alex laugh breathily.

“So...you like it then?” Alex asked, his voice just laced with nerves as his hands rubbed circles into the small of Aaron's back.

“I love it, Alex.” Aaron brought his face out of his neck and looked down at him, smiling. Alex laughed softly, bringing one of his hands up to stroke Aaron's cheek. “I love it, I really don't deserve someone like you.”

Alex snorted and rolled his eyes. “I was just trying to be a good boyfriend.”

“You're a fantastic boyfriend, Alexander. I've told you that before.” Aaron whispered the last part gently, knowing Alex got a little uncomfortable whenever they directly talked about their relationship.

“I know, I know. You always tell me that.” Alex smiled up at him, letting two fingers brush gently over Aaron's lips, feeling the shape of them. After a minute of lovestruck staring, Alex patted his shoulder and started to get up. “Stand up, I want to dance with you.

“To what?” Aaron asked but got up anyway, watching as Alex moved over to his record collection. He skimmed his fingers over the spines of each record, a small smile on his face that made Aaron's heart skip a beat. After a moment he pulled one from the many and held it up to Aaron.

“Sam Cooke.” Aaron smiled and nodded. Alex hummed his affirmation and walked over to the record player. Aaron watched from the foot of the bed as Alex placed the vinyl disc into the record player and set the needle into place. It was silent for a moment, and then the sound of sweet, jazzy piano music started up and filled the room. Alex sighed as he stood and moved slowly with the music over to where Aaron was sitting.

“I'm not the best dancer.” Aaron whispered as Alex took his hands and pulled him to his feet. 

“Bullshit. You were a very good dancer that night when we met.” The two of them moved over to the empty part of the room next to Alex's bed. Aaron moved his hands to Alex's hips as Alex wrapped his arms around his shoulders. 

“That was a very different type of dancing, Alex.” Aaron laughed softly but didn't protest when Alex tucked his head against his neck as Sam Cooke started singing. 

_‘If you ever change your mind about leaving, leaving me behind…’_

They weren't even dancing really, they were just swaying slowly together along to the music, chest to chest and groin to groin. Aaron moved his hands to the small of Alex's back, massaging the sensitive area as Alex arched into him.

“You smell nice.” Alex murmured, and then ducked his head bashfully. “Like vanilla.”

Aaron smiled and pressed a kiss to Alex's forehead. He had hoped Alex wouldn't notice his obsession with scented lotions, but now, he didn't quite mind. 

_‘I know I laughed when you left, but now I've only, I've only hurt myself…’_

Alex took his head out of Aaron's neck and rested their foreheads together. 

“Have I ever told you how much I like your room?” Aaron asked quietly, as if being quiet would preserve this moment in time.

“You like my room?” Alex whispered, seemingly wanting to be quiet too. Aaron nodded. “Thanks. It's messy, I probably should have cleaned it-”

“It's fine, I don't mind.” Aaron whispered and then leaned in to connect their mouths softly. They stopped dancing almost as soon as their lips came together, instead favoring for just standing with their bodies and faces flush together. Aaron's hands slid slowly up Alex's body until they reached his face, and he stopped to brush his thumbs over his cheekbones before moving his hands into his hair. Alex pushed in closer, swiping his tongue across Aaron's lips, making him shudder. Aaron kept one hand in Alex's hair, at the base of his head; the place he liked the most, and moved his other back down to the small of his back, and tugged him in even closer, needing to feel his body in his arms.

They didn't even notice when the music faded and the record stopped with a soft click. They kept their eyes closed and their mouths pressed together, ensnared in their own little world for just a moment. Alex pulled away to breathe finally, drawing in a deep breath and then letting it out with a shudder. Aaron let him have that moment to get his composure back, and took his own time getting his own pulse back to its normal pace. Alex moved his hand to take the one of Aaron's that was planted on the back of his head and entwined their fingers, making Aaron look at him. Alex swallowed thickly, and Aaron couldn't help but watch his Adam's apple bob as he did so. Alex slid his hand from Aaron's shoulder to his chest, brushing his finger over the top button of his flannel. Alex smiled fondly; he had a lot of flannels.

Aaron smiled in return when Alex popped the first button and rubbed his fingers against the skin of his upper chest. He continued at a slow and steady pace, holding Aaron's gaze the entire time and stopping between each button to rub little circles into his skin. Once all the buttons were undone, Alex took both hands and slid them under the fabric to push it gently off of him. 

“How come I’m always the one with my shirt off first?” Aaron murmured, his voice already heavy and lazy in that way it always sounded whenever he was turned on. He slid his hands up and under Alex’s shirt, running them all the way up Alex's chest so that the fabric came up with them.

“You never protest.” Alex leaned forward and brushed their noses together, smiling like the drunk village idiot. Aaron hummed in response and then gripped the hem of Alex's shirt and pulled it up and over his head. Once they both had their shirts off, Alex stepped back in to entwine their bodies again, his arms slipping under Aaron's arms for easier access to his back. Aaron's hands immediately moved to Alex's face, like they always did when they got to this part of the night. 

Alex slowly moved his kisses down Aaron's jaw, making his way towards that one spot on Aaron's neck that always got him panting. Alex attached his mouth to the area and went at it with vigor, humming appreciatively when all Aaron could do was whimper. Aaron bent his knees suddenly, moving on arm to the back of Alex's thighs and hoisting him up. Alex giggled and moved his own hands to the front of Aaron's chest as he was carried back towards the bed. 

As Aaron dropped him down onto the bed and then proceeded to crawl in between his legs, Alex busied himself by clearing the bed of the rose petals the best he could.

“What are you doing?” Aaron asked as Alex lifted his hips to get the dark red petals out from underneath him. 

“Well I don't want to find petals in my ass when we’re done.” Alex muttered irritably as he fussed with the blankets. Alex reached over and grabbed the rose he'd had between his teeth when Aaron first came in, and held it up to Aaron. Aaron closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, smiling as he exhaled.

“Lafayette said they’re the flower of romance.” Alex tilted the flower towards him and smiled. “He's better at that stuff than I am, I guess.” 

Aaron reached down and pushed the flower aside so he could attach their mouths again. Alex let it roll out of his hand and fall to the floor before moving his hands to Aaron's face. Their mouths weren't even on each other for a whole minute before Aaron's started moving his slow, measured kisses down Alex's neck. He was going slow again, but not even in that dumb _‘sorry-it's-my-first-time’_ way. Sure, and it was Alex's first time hooking up. We're all virgins here, kid. In fact it was the exact opposite.

It was slow in that meticulous, confident way, like Aaron had done this before and he knew exactly what he was doing to Alex, and therefore he was drawing it out, probing for a reaction, trying to get him to break. And God, Alex was breaking. He was breaking down right into Aaron's gentle hands, exposing those ugly parts of him that he didn't want anyone to see. And Aaron paid particular attention to each of those ugly spots, each of Alex's bruises and scars and stretch marks, making sure they felt just as loved as every other part of him. 

As Aaron slowly unbuttoned Alex's jeans and maneuvered them down his thighs, Alex tilted his head back and tried to tell Aaron he loved him, but all that came out was a soft, breathless moan. Aaron hummed his agreement as he kissed Alex's hip bones, then moved to Alex's inner thighs. He pressed feather light kisses into the soft meat of his thighs, his hands holding his legs up firmly yet mercifully, as to not push Alex too far. He never wanted Aaron to stop touching him, he wanted to keep Aaron's hands on him forever. 

 

“Alright, favorite food, go.”

Alex bit his lip as he thought.

“Alex, you're not supposed to think, just off the top of your head, the food you'd eat at any time, go.”

“Hot pockets?” Alex turned onto his side to look at Aaron when he responded. 

“What?”

“Hot pockets, you know.” Alex waved his hands in the air and Aaron shook his head at him, not understanding. Alex's eyes widened. “Oh my _God._. Have you never eaten a hot pocket?” 

“What the hell is a hot-”

“Aaron!” Alex sat straight up in bed, his dark hair falling into his face like a curtain. “I _live_ off of hot pockets!”

“That sounds extremely dangerous.” Aaron furrowed his brow up at him and then frowned when Alex started laughing. “I think I’m concerned for your health.”

Alex sank back into the bed beside Aaron and tucked his arm underneath his head, smiling. “What about you? What's your favorite food?”

Aaron turned his gaze to the ceiling as he thought.

“Hey, no thinking-”

“Lemon pound cake.” Aaron turned to look at him, then scrunched his nose up in embarrassment. “Does that even count as a food?”

“Well, if hot pockets count than pound cake does.” Alex laughed softly and moved closer, kissing Aaron's shoulder once he was close enough. “Why?”

Aaron took a deep breath, shrugging. “Well...after my parents died,” Alex’s face softened. Bad move, Aaron, bad fucking move. He kept speaking anyway. “I moved in with my grandparents, right? And my grandmother would always make lemon pound cake for dessert. Like, every night after dinner, it was lemon pound cake.”

Alex smiled as Aaron laughed softly at the memories. Alex tried to imagine him back then, a smaller Aaron, eating lemon fucking pound cake after every meal, tried to imagine the many, half eaten pound cakes left in the fridge throughout the week. He imagined Aaron's grandmother had been the kind to tell him she made it with love, he imagined she had been good and kind.

“My grandfather thought it was hilarious, ‘cause she always told my sister and I it was some old family recipe that she was going to teach us how to make when we were old enough, but it was just some regular ass pound cake.” He closed his eyes and laughed at nothing in particular, and the joy on his face made Alex so happy he laughed too, even though he didn't know what they were laughing at.

“And did you ever learn how?” Alex asked after Aaron's chuckles finally subsided. Aaron looked over at him in confusion. “The recipe, I mean. Did you ever learn it?”

Aaron’s smile faded just the slightest bit, and he sighed. Alex got the subtle feeling he had hit a sore spot.

“No, uh, she never got the chance.” He cleared his throat, was silent for another couple seconds, then took a deep breath. “They both died about three months after I moved in.”

Silence reigned.

The only sound was the steady, high pitched hum of crickets outside of Alex's window. A car passed, the sound swelling, swelling, swelling, then fading away as quickly as it had peaked. The clock ticked by Alex's doorway, counting the seconds passing in silence. 

Alex's hand curled against Aaron's cheekbone softly in the dark, and Aaron turned his head to kiss his knuckles, welcoming the comfort.

“I'm sorry.” Alex whispered as he moved closer and laid his head on Aaron's chest. 

“No, it-it’s my fault, I didn't mean to ruin the mood or-”

“Well, I was the one who brought it up and asked so it-...I shouldn't have pushed you, I-I…”

“Alex, it’s fine.” Aaron weaved a hand into his hair and carded through it lazily. Alex sighed and settled into his chest. “I was three, I barely remember them.”

“Well you remember the pound cake very well.” Alex laughed softly yet hesitantly, and Aaron laughed in return, letting him know it was okay to joke.

“I think I might just be hungry.” Aaron muttered, only half joking. He could use his grandmother's pound cake right now. “I should learn to make it.” He said quietly after a while. The sentence floated out into the air and stuck there, staring him in the face. He should have learned how to make it a long time ago. Why hadn't he cared up until now?

“I think she'd like that.” Alex agreed from his place on Aaron's chest. Aaron nodded to himself.

They stayed silent for a while, with Alex listening to Aaron's heart beat inside his chest, all protected by muscle and skin and bone and blood, and Aaron feeling Alex's slow, deep exhales against his chest. Another car came by, and the headlights shone through the window, the blinds throwing striped, watery patterns across their bare bodies. The car passed and they were drenched in darkness again.

“Tell me another story.” Alex said after a long while, surprising Aaron with the fact that he was still awake. 

“A story?”

“About you. About young Aaron.” 

Aaron breathed in deep, his chest rising and his lungs stretching under Alex's head. “Hmm. A story from my youth.” Aaron thought for a moment, trying to find a story worth telling, one that would make Alex try to envision it. His life wasn't exactly the most enthralling, and the stories he did have weren't exactly happy ones.

“Well, when I was about eleven, living in my uncle's house, my room was right underneath the mattic right? And every night at around three am, something would start moving around up there.”

Alex looked up at him, and even in the dark, Aaron could see his amused smile.  
“It used to scare me so much I wouldn't be able to get any sleep, ‘cause I thought whatever was up there would find it's way into the vents and eat me in my sleep.”

“Aw. You poor baby.” Alex cooed and reached up to pinch his cheek. “Are you okay?”

Aaron rolled his eyes but continued to speak. “Anyways, I told my uncle over and over that there was something up in the attic, but he never listened. It only stopped when I started getting bad grades and fell asleep in class. My uncle finally called an exterminator and sent him up there. Apparently there was a whole family of raccoons living up there.”

“Damn. You were right.”

“And that's the tale of how I became a super sleuth."

Alex hummed and closed his eyes, sighing against his chest. The crickets chirped. The clock ticked. A couple cars passed, one honked. Aaron breathed. Alex shifted.

“Alex?”

There was silence for a moment, then he nodded. “Hm?”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah.” Alex responded through a yawn and then propped himself up on his elbows to look at Aaron. Aaron reached out and pushed his hair back from his face with his fingers. 

“Why are you afraid of storms?”

Alex stiffened. Aaron thought back on every time it had stormed during the night and he had woken up to Alex shivering in his bed. He thought back to how he would move over to him and take him into his arms and ask him what was wrong only for Alex to shake his head and look away. He thought back to how Alex would either welcome his comfort and grip Aaron's shirt until the storm passed, or he would push him away and run into the bathroom to do whatever he needed to do to compose himself. 

He thought about how whenever he dealt with it by himself, he would always crawl silently back into bed a little while later, thinking Aaron was asleep. He thought about how Alex would always sleep as far away from Aaron as he could when that happened. 

Alex made a noise like a sigh, punctuating his thoughts and bringing Aaron back into the present. He laid back down on his chest, his hand trailing up and down his ribcage. 

“You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, I just-”

“No, you deserve to know.” Alex cut him off and Aaron fell quiet as a tense silence fell and stretched between them.

“Um, so I was born in Nevis right? A little island in the British West Indies. And when I was about eleven, a huge storm hit the island, and it caused a lot of damage to my town. Uh, while everyone else was recovering from the storm, and you know, the government was working on reconstructing the town, my mom and I...got sick.”

He was silent for another few seconds, “The doctors said it was some bacterial infection from all the rainwater and floods. I didn't have it as bad but my mom was really sick, and over time I uh...got better, obviously...but my mom didn't.”  
More silence. 

“She died a little bit after I turned twelve.”

Alex fell silent and stayed silent for a long time. Aaron ran his hands gently through his hair as the silence stretched and stretched, interrupted only by the sounds of the city at night.

“I'm so sorry.” Aaron whispered, wishing he hadn't been so nosy. How was he supposed to react now? 

“No, it's-it's fine, I mean, I’m fine.” 

“Are you sure?” Aaron turned over onto his side, and Alex moved out of his way to let him lay down. Aaron framed his face with his hands and looked him in the eye. “You don't have to say you're fine Alex, it's alright.”

“No, no, I’m okay.” Alex moved towards his chest and Aaron lifted his arm to let Alex’s arms take their place around his waist. Alex pressed his cheek to Aaron's chest, right over his heart, and listened for a moment. “It was a while ago, and I don't always get scared but sometimes I just- I get nightmares and...they're always so loud, you know?”

“I know, sweetheart. I don't like them much either.” 

“You don't?”

“Not at all. I probably can't relate to how you feel about them, but when I was little, I would crawl into bed with my sister whenever there was a storm.” 

“Huh.”

“What?”

“Oh, nothing. You just...never imagined you being afraid of something.”

“Oh, hon. I'm afraid every day.”

“Of what?”

_‘Of losing you.’_ Aaron almost said right there. _‘Of losing the person I love.’_ It would have been so easy, just to say it right then, right then in the thick of the night, with the crickets chirruping outside the window and the occasional car or two passing by quickly. 

“A lot of things.” Was what came it of his mouth instead. A blind assortment of words pulled from his mind that just happened to fit in that moment. Alex hummed his agreement and finally settled down into Aaron's arms, sighing contentedly. A car passed. Headlights swam through the window and cascaded over their bodies.

Aaron wondered if maybe he had said what was on his tongue, things wouldn't have gone so downhill the next morning. 

 

When Alex awoke the next morning, Aaron was still asleep, and it was probably because it was just nearing seven am. He breathed deeply and shivered, leaning into the warmth of Aaron's body. His head was tucked into Alex's hair, and his bare chest was rising slowly with each breath. The room was cold, a result of the window still being half open from last night; a contrast to the heat radiating from Aaron's body. Alex nestled into him, into his heat, listening to his heart beat beneath his skin. He pressed a hand against Aaron's ribs and felt the bones there, wondering if everyone’s bodies felt this structured and sound. 

He leaned back slightly to look into Aaron's face, and smiled. He looked so at peace when he slept, so oblivious to anything that was happening around him. Alex reached up and pressed two fingers to his lips, feeling the mouth he'd felt all over his body, and he wondered how many people, if anyone - oh, what a thought - had felt those lips on their skin before. _Oh_ , what an exhilarating thought it was to think Alex might have been the first. What a thought it was to think that Aaron's bed belonged to him, that that body, his smile, his eyes, his hands and arms and lips all belonged to Alex. 

Alex leaned up and brushed his lips over Aaron's, pausing to make sure the contact didn't wake his lover up. “I love you.” He whispered against his lips, then whispered it again louder before giggling stupidly. Aaron’s breathing shifted and he moved closer before sighing and stilling on the mattress again. 

But then again. Maybe he wasn't the first. Maybe he wasn't even close to Aaron's best experience. What if Alex was falling hopelessly in love and Aaron saw him as just a boyfriend, one of the many he'd leave behind him as he searched for someone else. What if Aaron went slow for everyone? What if Aaron's gentle, measured kisses - not too long and not too short - were for everyone he had been with? What if there were people out there that had gotten Aaron naked in bed before Alex had, what if there were people who had thought the world of him and his dreamlike lifestyle. 

Alex tried to imagine him under the hands of someone else, tried to imagine Aaron on his knees in front of someone else, someone who wouldn't even know what to do with someone like him. He tried to imagine Aaron in someone's arms other than his own, looking up at them like they were the world. The image sat uncomfortable, unwanted, and unwelcome in his head. Was there someone out there who had seen every part of Aaron, who knew what he liked, who too had fallen in love with the refreshing feeling of his beauty. What about that Thomas guy from that one night? Alex tried to imagine Thomas with his boyfriend, seeing him in the way Alex always saw him, touching his body, saying his name, whispering things to him, _kissing_ -

Alex didn't care for that shit at all.

He peeled himself slowly out of Aaron's arms, pausing each time Aaron's breathing changed, trying his best not to wake him. As he climbed out of his bed and tiptoed over to pull some sweatpants out of his closet, there was a noise from the kitchen. Alex winced and glanced back towards Aaron in the bed. He shifted beneath the sheets, then stilled. He didn't move after that, so Alex crept silently over to the door, opened it and slipped out of the bedroom. 

He padded out into the hall and into the kitchen to find Lafayette with a cup of coffee at the counter, scrolling through social media. He looked up as Alex moved over to the sink for water.

“Good morning.”

“Mornin’.” Alex grumbled as he turned the faucet on. “Why are you up so early?”

“I'm going to the gym.” Lafayette grinned proudly at him and Alex rolled his eyes but smiled. “What?”

“You just want to go there to see the guys in the locker room, Laf.” Alex took a drink of the icy water, letting it wake him up and clear his head.

“So? And besides, who wouldn't want to see this ass in leggings, hm?” Lafayette stepped away from the counter and did several poses displaying his lean bottom half in the too tight yoga pants. “I am going to turn that yoga instructor gay, mon ami.”

“Home wrecker.” Alex murmured under his breath, laughing when Lafayette stuck out his tongue in response. 

“So, how was your night?” Lafayette came over to stand next to him and bumped his shoulder playfully. Alex looked down into his water, smiling.

“It was good.”

“Really? Just ‘good’? You sure?” Lafayette looked him up and down, from the bruises fully formed on his neck to the now-fading bite mark on his shoulder. 

“Okay, maybe more than ‘good’. Maybe ‘fantastic’, as always.”

“He's bon au sexe?” 

“Oh, _very._ ” Alex laughed and nodded slowly. Lafayette hummed his approval.

“Mon ami, you know I would not try anything, but your boy is fine.” 

“Trust me, Laf, I know.” Alex scoffed and shook his head in amusement.

“I mean, that bone structure?” 

“Oh, yeah. _God,_ yeah, I know.” 

They both nodded their appreciation in silence. Alex let out a low whistle, making Lafayette laugh as he raised his mug to his lips. They sipped their drinks in silence as the city started to buzz into life outside their apartment. 

“Do you think he likes me?” Alex asked quietly as he set his glass in the sink. “I mean, really likes me-”

“I think he loves you.” Lafayette nodded, looking all too assure of his opinion. “Vraiment, you should see the way he looks at you when he thinks no one's looking.”

“Love? No. I mean-...no, I wouldn't go that-”

“You love him, non?”

Alex looked at him and opened his mouth to respond, but no words came out. “...I don't….know. I don't know.”

Lafayette looked at him for a moment and then turned forward, nodding slowly, even though Alex could tell he wasn't convinced. 

“You deserve to be happy, you know.” Lafayette asked him after a moment and when Alex didn't respond right away, he grabbed his face and pulled it towards him. 

“I know, I know.” Alex said quickly, not wanting Lafayette to go into his ‘everyone-deserves-a-happy-ending’ lecture mode. “Honestly, I don't know if I'm in love.”

Lafayette narrowed his eyes, he could see right through Alex's lie. Alex knew damn well what he felt towards Aaron, but he couldn't force the words to come out of his mouth. 

“Alex?” Aaron's muffled voice called from his room, and Alex swore quietly before stepping away. 

“Duty calls.” Alex laughed as Lafayette dropped his hand and smiled. “Have fun with that yoga instructor.”

He chuckled and took another sip of coffee. “Tell your boy I said hi.”

Alex smirked and then walked quickly out of the kitchen and down the hall. He opened the door and found Aaron sitting upright in his bed, rubbing at his eyes.

“Where’d you go?” Aaron mumbled as Alex hopped back into the bed with him. 

“I just had to get a drink.” Alex said and wrapped his arms around Aaron's shoulders. Aaron snaked his arms tight around Alex's waist and brought him down into the bed with him, until they were all tangled up in the blankets. 

“I missed you.” Aaron whined as he nestled into Alex's body, tucking his head under his jaw. 

“I was only gone for a second, you big baby.” Alex uttered affectionately, his chest swelling so much it felt like there was nothing but warm, empty air inside him.

“A second too long if you ask me.” Aaron's voice was thick with sleep as he reached up to thread one hand into Alex's hair. “Mm, I like you so much.” Aaron spoke into the skin of his neck as he massaged his scalp slowly. 

“Mm, tell me more.” Alex meant it as a joke, but Aaron planted his chin on his shoulder and looked at him, his face sated and doe eyed. 

“Your eyes,” he started, one of his thumbs swiping gently over the skin near Alex's brow. “They’re beautiful. They're so big and brown, it's like I can see all the stars in them.”

“Oh my God.”

“And your nose. It's gorgeous.” Aaron mused and dragged a finger down the bridge of his nose before tapping it lovingly. 

“It's too big.” Alex mumbled bashfully, his own hand coming up to feel his nose. 

“But I love it! It fits nicely when we kiss.”

“It does?”

“Mhm.” Aaron leaned up and tilted his head to kiss Alex, surprising him. Alex closed his eyes and placed his palm against Aaron's cheek, desperate to keep their mouths together. After a couple minutes of wet noises, they broke away. Alex smiled up at him as Aaron placed a firm kiss to his forehead. 

“And your lips.” Aaron finally said, brushing his lips over Alex’s. “God, your lips.” Aaron laughed fondly, making Alex smile. “I feel like I could kiss them for hours.”

“I would not be opposed to that.” Alex giggled and then curled his fingers under Aaron's chin to attach their mouths again. He draped his hips around Aaron's waist as they kissed, and immediately rocked his hips upwards into Aaron's. Aaron laughed and pulled away finally, making Alex whine in disappointment. Aaron pulled the blanket over the both of them as he nestled back into Alex's body. 

 

It was around half past eleven when Aaron finally woke up with Alex’s body all wrapped up around his. He smiled into his skin at their position, with Alex's hair tickling his skin and his hand warm on his back. Alex was already awake, Aaron could tell by the one hand that was rubbing comforting circles into his shoulder. He took his face out of his neck to look up at him, and Alex smiled down at him warmly. 

“Good morning, sunshine.” He cooed as his other hand came up to touch Aaron's face softly. 

“Good morning.” Aaron giggled and leaned into Alex's touch, appreciating this nice feeling to wake up to.

“I hope you slept well.” Alex spoke quietly, even though there was already noise in the apartment. 

“I did. Who's here?”

“Just John, Herc, and Laf. They won't bother us though.” 

Aaron hummed his appreciation and closed his eyes, sighing happily. “I like waking up with you like this.” 

“Me too.” Alex smiled and laid back against the mattress. “We should do this more often.”

There was a knock at the door, and Alex groaned before sitting up, moving Aaron gently out of the way. Aaron pulled the covers up over most of his body as Alex swung his legs over the bed and shouted ‘come in’. 

John opened the door and was courteous enough to stop there, leaning against the frame. 

“Mornin’ guys, sorry to disturb but we have a record deal in an hour.”

Alex's head whipped towards the clock and he swore out loud, stumbling quickly out of bed. John smiled apologetically before closing the door again. Aaron stretched and then got out of bed, scratching the back of his neck and yawning. As Alex stripped and searched his closet for clothes, Aaron bent to grab his boxers from the floor. 

“I’m sorry to kick you out like this, I-I totally forgot we had a meeting today.” Alex threw him an apologetic look over his shoulder as he grabbed a pair of jeans from his closet and raised one leg to pull them on.

“It's fine. I’m happy for you.” Aaron moved over to place a kiss to Alex's cheek before crawling over the bed to grab his shirt from the floor.

“Well, let's hope it goes well.” Alex grabbed a t-shirt, then put it back and favored a button up. He pulled it on while rushing over to the mirror on the back of the door, buttoning it frantically as he went.

“Of course it will go well-...here Alex, let me help.” Aaron walked calmly over to him and shooed Alex's hands away from the buttons. “Just breathe, everything will be alright.” Aaron buttoned his shirt up slowly as Alex tucked it into his jeans, and when he'd reached the final button he smoothed Alex's collar and kissed his forehead. 

“Thanks.” Alex murmured as Aaron drew him in for a hug. “Do I look okay? Like, a professional?” Alex pulled back and did a little twirl in front of him. Aaron laughed and grabbed his arms to pull him back.

“You look great. I’m really proud of you.”

“You are?” Alex looked up at him and Aaron nodded as he ran his hands through his hair. “Huh…thanks.”

Aaron smiled and stroked his cheek in silence for a moment. The silence was broken when Alex took a deep breath and glanced towards the door.

“Put some pants on, okay?” He patted Aaron's ass affectionately as he reached for the doorknob. “I'm gonna go make some coffee.”

Aaron smiled and moved to the foot of the bed to grab his pants as Alex left the room. There were voices in the kitchen, most of them belonging to Alex's friends. As Aaron pulled his zipper up, he walked out of the room and into the living room. John was tending to eggs in the pan when Aaron entered, and looked up at him with a smile. Lafayette waved to him and blew a kiss from the counter and Aaron waved back as Alex thumped his friend in the shoulder. 

Alex took a sip out of a coffee mug before moving both his hands to his hair, pulling it back and out of his face into a ponytail. He looked at his wrist for a moment before groaning. Aaron understood and removed a hair tie from his wrist and handed it to his boyfriend; ever since they'd started dating he'd started keeping hair ties here and there, for every time Alex lost one of his own and broke one. Alex took it gladly and moved over to kiss his cheek as he tied his hair back. 

Aaron tucked a wayward strand Alex had missed behind his ear and smiled at him. Alex smiled back and Aaron noticed the way his eyes crinkled and his face lit up; he'd never looked more beautiful. 

“I should probably go.” Aaron whispered and then turned towards his shoes at the front door. 

“Hey, I'll see you tomorrow?” Alex walked towards the door and opened it for him, any reluctance in his features going unnoticed by Aaron. 

“Of course.” Aaron walked out into the hall and then turned back to look at him. Alex leaned his head against the door and gazed at him in silence. “Good luck, babe. You guys will get the deal, I'm sure of it.”

“Thanks. I hope so, anyway.” 

Alex leaned out into the hall to kiss Aaron goodbye, and Aaron wished what had happened next had been something he could do over, but he wouldn't be blessed with that chance. Alex pulled away and smiled at Aaron a final time before stepping back in, but just before the door could close, Aaron grabbed his arm.

“Hey. I love you.”  
His consciousness came back almost as soon as Alex's smile dropped, and with it, the shame. He immediately wanted to take it back, he could tell he'd crossed a line by the way Alex looked at him uncomfortably from the doorway. He dropped Alex's arm quickly, as if he might burn him. The kitchen had gone quiet, and all three of his friends were not-so-discretely leaning over the counter anxiously to see what would happen next. Aaron swallowed and then cleared his throat, the silence threatening to drown him.

“I’m-I’m sorry, I-I shouldn't have-”

“N-no, no no, i-it's alright, I-I just-...sorry.”

“Y-you don't have to say it back, or anything, I-I just, I didn't mean to make you uncomf-...or I-”

“Aaron, it's okay.” Alex offered a reassuring smile, but Aaron could see right past it. He'd hit a sore spot on Alex and ruined the mood. He should have just let Alex shut the door and kept his fuckig feelings a secret. No one needed to know how he felt. Why did he always have to fuck it up with his damn, unwanted emotions?

“Goodbye, Aaron.” Alex whispered after a moment.

“Bye.” He whispered back, and this time, let Alex shut the door on him. He took a deep breath and sighed, his self loathing creeping up his spine.

“Dammit.”

Alex thumped his head against the door and shut his eyes tight.

“Dammit.”

 

The next time they met was at one in the morning that night. 

Aaron was on that thin line between reality and unconsciousness when his bedroom door creaked open. He was too tired to turn over or sit up, but still awake enough to listen as some article of clothing hit the floor, the blankets rustled, and the mattress dipped beneath him. In seconds Alex was curled up against his back, his arms taking their usual spot around Aaron's waist. Aaron smiled and moved one hand to take Alex's. 

“Hey, babe.” Aaron turned his head slightly to look at Alex. “I didn't know you were coming over.”

“I couldn't sleep without you, so I figured I’d just come over here.” Alex perched his chin on Aaron's shoulder and sighed.

“I would have come over if you called me.” Aaron rolled onto his back and arranged his arms so Alex could easily fit into them, tucked safely into his chest. 

“I know, but I didn't want to wake you.”

Aaron was about to sleepily ask him how his day was when something hit him. “Oh! How was the record deal?”

Alex groaned, and Aaron's cheeriness dissipated quickly.

“Uh oh, it didn't go well?”

“It's been a bad day for me.”

“Oh, honey.” Aaron ran a hand through his hair and kissed the top of his head soothingly. “I'm so sorry.”

“It's fine. The guy was a prick anyway, was saying shit about how if we wanted to represent them we'd have to drop the whole ‘homosexual teens act’.”

“Damn.” 

“Yeah. The show wasn't too good either.” Alex turned his head into Aaron's chest in an attempt to hide his shame. He didn't want Aaron to see.

“Oh, tough crowd?”

“Heh, you could say that again. John threw up on stage.”

“Oh fuck…” Aaron whispered, his sigh stretching into the night. “Is he okay?”

“He's okay.” Alex sighed, turning his head to kiss Aaron's hand. “He's a damn idiot...but he's okay.”

“Do...you want to talk about it? Or do you just want to sleep?” Aaron continued to run his hand through Alex's hair as he thought, a comforting gesture he hoped would help. 

“Well uh, he's just been, under a lot of pressure from his parents, you know, they want him to find a girl to be with. So tonight, after a really shitty first half of the show, he drank a lot during intermission, like a lot. I don't know why I didn't stop him, I should have, but afterwards he kinda got up on stage and drunkenly declared his undying gay love for Herc. After that, he puked and then passed out and Laf had to carry him off stage.”

“Poor kid.” Aaron whispered after a second, then cursed inwardly. What the fuck kind of response was that? If Alex thought anything of it, he didn't show it, and instead snorted and spoke again.

“Yeah. We can never go back to that club ever again.”

“Is John going to be okay? Should we check on him at all, or-”

“You're really fucking sweet, Aaron, you know that?” Alex propped himself up on his elbows to look down at Aaron. “Like, you don't even know John that well, and you already care so much about him.”

Aaron reached slowly to stroke his cheek. “Well, he is one of your best friends so-”

“I really like you.” Alex whispered before Aaron could finish, and he almost sounded sad about it. 

“Is that bad?” Aaron whispered back, his own voice slightly bitter after hearing Alex's tone. Alex didn't respond, he just leaned down to kiss him gently, surprising him. Aaron's hands came up to grip either side of his face, but he hadn't even fully touched Alex's face when he made a noise of shock and pulled away. Aaron sat up after him, watching in confusion as Alex stumbled out of bed and walked quickly towards the door.

“Alex?” Aaron started to call after him but Alex had already closed the bedroom door. What had Aaron done? He got out of bed as quick as he could and rushed out into the hall, sure Alex was going to leave. Had he pushed him too far?

The bathroom light was on, and Alex was standing in front of the mirror tending to a growing bruise on his cheek and a split lip. It was something the Aaron hadn't seen due to the darkness of his room, so he sighed, out of both relief and shame that he hadn't realized sooner. Alex looked over and there was shame on his face too, but it was a different shame than Aaron's. He opened his mouth, probably to apologize, but Aaron cut him off.

“Shh, it’s alright. You don't need to apologize.” Aaron turned the faucet on and ran a rag under the cold water.

“I wasn't going to apologize.” Alex protested weakly. Aaron smiled sadly as he pressed the cold cloth to Alex's bruise, using one corner of the fabric to wipe the now-dried blood from his lip. Alex smiled back and grabbed one of Aaron's hands to bring up to his own face, where he pressed it to his unscathed cheek. Aaron looked down at the dark brown flecks of blood dried on his shirt and sighed again. 

“Take this off.” Aaron told him gently while tugging at his shirt. Alex nodded and Aaron removed the tag to let him pull the shirt off over his head. Aaron scanned his upper body for any more bruises, and smiled once he saw it was only one part of Alex's body that had taken a beating. Unfortunately, all Alex saw was Aaron looking at his body and smiling appreciatively, and it boosted his esteem quite a bit. 

“Why are you smiling? Do I look hot?” Alex stepped in and draped his arms over Aaron's shoulders, brushing their noses together and batting his eyelashes coyly.

“I’m just glad the rest of you is okay.” Aaron shook his head at him, but took pity in Alex's sullen look, and settled for kissing his bruised cheek gently. “But you look hot too.”

Alex smirked confidently and tilted hi bruised cheek towards Aaron again. “Can you kiss it again?”

Aaron laughed fondly but nodded and leaned forward to press his lips to the bruise in a brush of a kiss. When Alex kept his eyes closed even after Aaron pulled away, he took it as a message to keep kissing. He repeated the gentle motion over and over again until Alex sighed and pushed him away slowly, and by then Aaron's heart felt three times its size and his mind was groggy and drunk with love. 

“I wanna get in bed with you.” Alex told him quietly and then grabbed his hands and tugged him from the bathroom. Aaron set the rag in the sink and flicked off the lights in the bathroom as Alex tugged him back to the bedroom. Before Alex got in he walked over to Aaron's closet and rummaged through it for a moment. 

“What are you doing?”

“I'm looking for a hoodie.”

“There's one on the couch-” Aaron started to move towards the door to go grab Alex's hoodie from the living room, but Alex shook his head and motioned for him to stay.

“I want to wear one of yours. They smell like roses.” Alex admitted the last part so quietly Aaron had to strain to hear him, and a smile lit up his face once he properly understood the sentence. Alex pulled one of Aaron's hoodies - a navy blue Princeton sweater with Burr printed in bold on the back - off the hanger and quickly pulled it over his head. 

Sure enough, once on his body, Alex grabbed the collar and pressed it to his nose, inhaling deeply with closed eyes. He smiled and let the collar fall back into its usual place below his neck. 

“Alright, time for bed.” Aaron took Alex's hand and pulled him towards the mattress, and Alex went with him willingly. Aaron pulled the blankets off the mattress and crawled in, already looking forward to cuddling up with his boyfriend and falling asleep. As he moved over to the far side of the bed to allow Alex some room to settle into, he noticed how the moonlight shining through the window poured over Alex's figure and made his normally perfectly tanned skin glow in pale beauty. Aaron stared for as long as he pleased, until Alex turned to him and their eyes locked. The moonlight reflected off his eyes, making them shine even more than usual and his dark hair shone like a halo around his face. 

“Aaron?”

Aaron nodded and laid down on the bed, followed soon by Alex. They lay there for a while in the dark together, breathing in unison, sharing the same oxygen, listening for each other's heart beating, a sign that they were both alive. Well after Aaron's breathing had deepened and his heart had slowed to its leisurely sleeping pace, a horrible feeling of dread started to creep up Alex's spine. A horrible feeling of dread that always came over him when things went too well with Aaron. It would scare him how well things were going, and even more so how much Aaron had taken up his life. Every song he tried to write now was a love song about a handsome young piano player who ran away with Alex from the bar one night. Even songs he didn't write, every song that came over the radio now were always about Aaron. He never seemed to leave Alex's mind. The feeling of his hands never left Alex's skin.

When Aaron had said those three words to Alex, his heart had leapt right up into the stars and started to soar. The sincerity in Aaron's voice as he said it made Alex’s whole world flip onto its head, and he kept replaying the sound of his voice saying those words in his head. He had tried to tell Aaron he loved him back, but his mouth couldn't force the words to come out. So he'd stood there with a dumbass look on his face, making Aaron regret saying anything and making him think Alex didn't feel the same. But Alex did feel the same, it was just a problem of what he could and couldn't admit.

Was it a commitment issue? Alex had never been in a relationship like this, as investing yet as lovely as this. His relationship with Eliza had lasted about a month and a half, but even at this point in that relationship, Alex could tell it wasn't going to last. Eliza was too good for him, she was sweet and caring and was better than him, and it was the exact same deal with Aaron. What was to stop this relationship from ending the same way? Shouldn't Alex just end it now to save them both the time? Was Aaron getting bored? Why wasn't Alex getting bored?

Alexander Hamilton considered himself a very brave man. He'd seen his fair share of hell in his lifetime, and he'd survived it all. He thought he was outgoing, and absolutely extroverted, and he wasn't one to shy away from anything. He prided himself in his ability to never say no when presented with a challenge, no matter how anxious it made him. So why was he so terrified of how Aaron made him feel? Why did his heart clench every time Aaron sat down at his piano and began playing? How come, whenever Aaron kissed his forehead and told him he was pretty, Alex’s mind screamed and squealed at the same time? Why did thinking of Aaron's past relationships bug Alex so much when he'd had so many past relationships - if he could even regard drunken hook ups and horny one night stands as relationships - of his own?

Alex sat up in the bed, his mind throbbing like his skull was going to combust, and his body warm and stuffy in Aaron's hoodie. He ran his hands through his hair and swung his legs over the side of his bed. God, what was he so afraid of and why? Why did Aaron torment him like this, was Alex really just that vulnerable to being treated like he was a work of art? Had he just gotten so used to being treated - almost used - roughly, being shoved down into beds, thrown up against walls, stripped so quickly his clothes were almost ripped, bitten, scratched, choked, that he had forgotten what it felt like to just be kissed? Had he gotten so used to the taste of alcohol on people’s tongues, and the sticky smell of cologne staining guy’s necks, that he wasn’t yet accustomed to the taste of coffee on Aaron’s lips or the smell of roses and dryer sheets on his skin. Had he gotten so used to trying to look sexy, caring about what he wore, if the jeans made his ass look good, if a choker would look hot or if it was too much, that he was unused to being able to sit down with Aaron on the couch in front of the television wearing only boxers and and a sweater without worrying if Aaron didn't like it?

He swung his legs over the side of the bed and planted his feet firmly on the carpet. He glanced over his shoulder and looked at Aaron, asleep and peaceful and oblivious. His eyes were closed like crescent moons and his hands were curled delicately in front of his chest, rising and falling slowly with each breath he took. Alex thought about just laying down again, picking up one of Aaron's wrists and draping it over his own shoulder so he was tucked between his arms, kissing his cheek and closing his eyes against Aaron's neck, falling asleep in his warmth. He almost did it, if that creeping claw of doubt hadn't wrapped cold around his heart again, making him turn away. He looked around Aaron's bedroom for a moment, and licked his lips. Aaron shifted in his sleep and sighed before silence reigned again and Alex closed his eyes, his mind spinning. He was brave, he could commit to something like this, a relationship wasn't a bad thing, Alex could say ‘I love you’, he deserved to be happy. 

But he was also a coward.

So he got up from the bed and walked quickly and softly out of the room, grabbing his jeans from the floor as he went. As he approached the door, he pulled his pants on one leg at a time, not bothering with the zipper or button. He slipped his shoes on and grabbed his guitar case from the ground near the door. His hand closed around the doorknob and he pulled it open, letting light spill into the dark apartment. The light spilled over the hardwood floor and cascaded over the piano in the corner of the room. Alex stared at the instrument for a moment or two, thinking back to the first time he'd heard Aaron play, how he'd known right from that moment that he was in love.

He swallowed and stepped out into the hallway, shutting the door quietly behind him. It wasn't until he had driven himself all the way back to his and Lafayette's apartment, shut the door to his own bedroom and flopped down on his own bed that he realized he still had Aaron's hoodie on. The smell was threatening to drown him, all it did was remind him of Aaron, so he tore it off and flung it into the corner of the room, where it landed with a soft rumple. Alex didn't bother to take his jeans off again, just laid there on his bed and stared at the ceiling. His phone started to ring some time around three, and he shouldn't have been surprised when the caller ID read Aaron's name. 

He could already hear his voice in his head. He could already hear how it would be worried when Alex first picked up, Aaron would say something along the lines of _‘where did you go?’_ or _‘are you okay?’,_ but he would not be mad. And Alex would try to explain, to say _‘sorry, I just needed some alone time’_ or _‘I needed to be back in my own room’._ And then Aaron’s voice would go sweet and honeyed and tender, saying something nice and understanding like _‘oh, Alex, that's alright’ or ‘I just wish you had woken me, it's okay’._

Alex let the call go to voicemail, then put his phone on silent and tossed it into the same corner he'd tossed the hoodie into. 

He didn't sleep much after that. 

It was a week later at one of Alex's shows, when it took a turn for the worse. Aaron was standing backstage holding Alex's guitar case as he used the bathroom, watching as his friends rushed around getting ready for their show. Alex emerged after a few minutes, adjusting the black choker on his neck. Aaron swallowed. 

“Sexy.” Aaron nodded appreciatively, biting back his frown when Alex didn't make eye contact but laughed softly. It had been rough between them this past week, with Alex distancing himself farther and farther from Aaron each day, and Aaron being caught between wanting to ask him what was wrong or letting him work through it on his own. It had been a while since Alex had last kissed him, and each time Aaron tried to initiate one would end with Alex awkwardly pulling away just as he was going to make contact. He even slept different, ever since Aaron had woken up last week to find Alex had left in the middle of the night, Alex would be in Aaron's bed less and less. He stopped making spontaneous, late night visits to Aaron's apartment, and whenever he did sleep with him, he wouldn't sleep as close, there would always be empty sheets between them. 

And as much as Aaron tried to convince himself it didn't mean anything, it still hurt. 

As Theodosia called out that they had five minutes left before they were supposed to go on, Alex moved over to one of the tables and picked up a small bundle. As he approached, Aaron realized it was his hoodie, the one with his name on it that Alex had run out wearing that night last week. 

“Uh, this is yours.” Alex patted the hoodie and then extended it to Aaron. “Sorry, I didn't get it back sooner.” 

“No, it's fine. You can keep it, if you'd like.” 

“Uhm, I think you should have it…” Alex looked down and Aaron got the message that he didn't really want it, so he traded Alex's guitar for his own hoodie. Alex glanced up at him before turning around and setting his guitar case down on the ground so he could open it. Aaron stood awkwardly behind him, watching solemnly as Alex attached the shoulder strap to the instrument and then standing up to sling it across his back. Aaron took a moment to admire him like this, black jeans and leather jacket and jet black guitar, and thought about the night he'd first seen that face. He thought up how it had gotten his heart racing and almost aching with love, and tonight it was aching with heartbreak. He could tell what they had for only a short time was coming to an end. 

“Time to go, people! Let's give that crowd what they came for!” John adjusted his shoulder strap and brushed his hair out of his face before high fiving Lafayette and running out on stage with him. 

“Okay, I'll see you at intermission then?” Aaron glanced at the stage and then back at Alex as he kicked his case closed. Something in his expression changed as he looked up at Aaron, and he wished he hadn't said anything. 

“Um, Aaron…” 

_‘You don't have to say it, I'll just leave and delete your number. I don't want to hear ‘it's not you, it's me’. Not again.’_

“I think it'd be better if you didn't stay this time.”Alex’s eyes flicked up towards him and he licked his lips. Eliza and Herc glanced at eachother and then back at them. “It's just that you never want to really come anyway, and uhm, you know, I-” 

“Alex, I always come because I care about you. It's not a chore for me to do.” 

Alex turned towards the stage. “I-I have to go.” With that and a muttered apology he jogged off on to the stage. Eliza glanced back at him before going out with Herc. Aaron sighed, his heart breaking into pieces. Clutching his own hoodie to his chest, he turned and slowly made his way out of the backstage as the crowd started to cheer behind him. As he was making his way around the outskirts of the dance floor, he chanced a glance over at the stage and watched as Alex began to play, his heart swelling with pride. As Aaron turned back around, he wished Alex the best of luck. That was a man deserving of a biography or two. 

He walked alone down the sidewalk towards his car, his eyes trained on the cement. He was too emotionally drained to lift his head up. It had taken so much out of him to be constantly running around after Alex, trying to figure out what he was feeling, what he could do to make him smile, why Alex wouldn't kiss him anymore, why he wouldn't sleep with him. He unlocked his car and got in, tossing the hoodie into the passenger's seat, where Alex would usually sit. He sat there in the dark for a couple minutes, just feeling the sadness grow and blossom in his chest, making his lungs hurt and his throat feel choked out. He sighed and closed his eyes, swallowing down the tears that were almost threatening to spill over. Alex was just a guy, it was just a flirty little relationship, there was nothing special or unique about it. He was _just_ a cute immigrant who played guitar and sang well and whose arms felt very nice wrapped around Aaron's waist and who made him feel loved and who was afraid of storms and ate hot pockets and just happened to make Aaron's heart race. 

He was just a guy who made Aaron's heart break. 

The first half of the show went by uneventfully. The entire time, Alex felt oddly out of place, like it wasn't him plucking the strings and singing into the mic, but someone else. His chest felt hollow and his mind felt foggy, like his soul had left his body and he was watching it all through a vintage camera; the images were blurry and fuzzy. Intermission rolled around quickly, with Alex leaving stage as soon as he could. He needed to be out of the scorching spotlights for a moment, away from the judging eyes of all those people. 

As he grabbed a water bottle from the little bin that was provided backstage, he silently wished he hadn't told Aaron to leave. He missed looking for his face in the crowd, missed looking for him and then concentrating on him as he sang, letting his nerves calm down as Aaron smiled encouragingly at him. He missed waiting for Aaron to join him backstage during intermission and kiss him and tell him how well he was doing and hug him gently. He missed feeling Aaron's body against his as they slept, he missed drinking coffee with him in the morning, he missed laughing with him and staying up until three just talking with him. He missed him so much. 

He'd just been so scared of what he felt, and in return, he told Aaron to leave in hopes that the feeling would go with him. But it didn't, in fact, it only seemed to grow with every second Aaron wasn't here. Alex sighed and took out his phone and stared at the darkened screen, resisting the urge to call him. He didn't need him, he didn't need anyone. He had done just fine without him up until this point. Why did it feel like he couldn't breathe without him? 

“Alex?” 

“What? Yeah?” Alex looked up at Theodosia as she approached him, shoving his phone quickly back into his pocket. 

“Are you okay?” She asked and fixed him with her trademark, narrowed eyed analyzing glare. 

“Of course. I'm fine.” Alex reached up to push imaginary hairs out of his face, and realized he was sweating. 

“You looked a little...distant on stage.” She looked him in the eye, pressuring him. 

“No. I'm fine.” He took a drink of his water, signaling for the end of the conversation. But she wasn't stopping there. 

“Where’s Aaron?” 

“He was busy. Couldn't stay.” Alex lied. He needed to learn how to stop doing that. 

“That's too bad. How's it going with him anyway?” 

“Why do you care?” Alex avoided her eyes as he plucked the strings on his guitar and pretended to tune them. He could feel the hurt radiating from her, but didn't look up or apologize. He didn't need anyone's pity. He didn't need people to tell him that he deserved to be happy. 

“Because you're my friend, Alex, and I care about you and your relationships.” She reached out and touched his shoulder gently and he shrunk away, not wanting to be the center of attention anymore. He'd had enough of that. 

“I'm- we’re fine. Aaron and I are fine.” 

The lights on stage came back on, signaling that intermission was coming to an end. Alex adjusted his grip on his guitar and moved towards the stage. He missed the secret conversation that passed between Eliza and Theodosia as Eliza headed out after him. 

“It's too bad, I actually liked Aaron.” Eliza frowned and straightened out her jeans. 

“Yeah, I had hoped he would be the one who stayed.” Theodosia sighed but kissed her cheek and ushered the rest of them out on stage. 

As soon as Alex walked out, he was practically drowned in lights and cheers. The cheers felt distant though, far away like Alex was underwater, and the lights didn't hit him but rather went through him. He faintly registered that he should be waving, smiling, putting on a mask, but his limbs felt heavy, even as he took his place in front of the mic and scanned what he could see of the crowd through the lights. John said something into the mic, something Alex heard but didn't register or understand. The crowd cheered again, John nodded his appreciation. God, what was happening, what was wrong with Alex? 

He blinked and conjured up what song they were supposed to play when John looked over at him and counted off slowly. Oh, shit. Alex was the lead, he was supposed to play and sing. The crowd went quiet. Alex breathed and his fingers hit the guitar strings. 

And miraculously, he played. 

He managed to get each note out on time and in the right order, and looked out into the crowd, seeking approval as he began to sing. 

_“Wise men say, only fools rush in…”_

But he wasn't even there. It felt like he wasn't even playing. He just felt like an empty man playing empty notes for a crowd full of empty minds and hearts. These weren't the people he wanted. This wasn't the kind of adoration he wanted. 

_“But I can't help falling in love with you…”_

He wanted Aaron. God, he wanted him more than anything in the world. Why did tell him to leave? Why did he always push people away? He looked down at his own fingers, and tried to sing the next verse, but the words caught in his theist and stuck. Silence reigned where the next verse should have been. John glanced at him anxiously. There were murmurs of confusion from the crowd, but Alex found he didn't quite care. He was too busy thinking back to each time he'd wake up during a thunderstorm, shivering and holding back sobs, and Aaron would wake up and move over to him and take him into his arms. He thought of how he would always push Aaron away and leave the room to deal alone, then come back and sleep as far away from him as possible. He thought about every time he pulled away from Aaron's gentle kisses just because he didn't understand how they made him feel. He thought about every time he would avoid Aaron's gaze during their nightly Netflix binge, how day by day he'd worked his way farther and farther out of Aaron's grasp. He thought about how Aaron would always just try to help him and make him feel comfortable and cared for and loved, he thought of how he always touched Alex gently and asked for his permission even if Alex was rock hard beneath him. He thought about how he'd just shut Aaron out and pushed him away and made him feel useless and unloved without an explanation. 

What had he done? 

Lafayette had taken over singing, and now Alex was standing with his head ducked in front of the microphone, completely still. John drifted his way slowly over to him and reached out to cover the mic with one hand as he leaned towards Alex. 

“What’s wrong?” 

Alex blinked multiple times and looked at him. “I'm fine.” Was his autopilot answer, something he always responded with when he was on the brink of losing it, an effort in trying to trick himself into believing it himself. 

“You're not fine, Alex. You're crying.” 

“I am?” Alex reached up with a shaking hand and touched his cheeks gingerly, and sure enough, they came away wet. “Oh.” He hadn't even realized he'd been crying, but now that he thought about it, he was hyper aware of the pressure in his throat and the mist in his eyes and the heavy stone in his chest. He watched as a couple of tears fell and hit the strings of his guitar, and realized the tears were for Aaron. They had always been for Aaron. 

Because Alex loved him. 

But Aaron didn't think that. 

Alex looked up into the crowd and scrubbed a hand across his face. He shouldn't be here. He should be home with his boyfriend, telling him how much he was loved. He needed to tell him how how much he was loved. 

In a sudden flurry of movement that made John flinch, Alex had pulled his guitar and its strap off over his head and shoved it into John's arms. John managed to catch it by the neck with one hand as Alex turned on his heel and sprinted right off the stage, getting confused looks from all three of the other band members. He ran right through the backstage area and out the side door to the alleyway, ignoring the calls from Theodosia along the way. There were a couple people smoking outside when he threw the door open, and the noise made them jump but Alex didn't stop to apologize. He kept running right out onto the muddy city street, his adrenaline pounding fresh in his veins, making his heart beat at a frightening speed. 

A taxi rounded the corner and Alex stuck out his arm and waved it down madly, smiling when it slowed to a stop in front of him. Not even waiting for it to come to a complete stop, he grabbed the handle and yanked the door open. Practically falling down into the grimy seat, he told the driver Aaron's address and asked him to please hurry. The driver nodded and floored it down the street, making Alex laugh through his euphoria. Alex leaned back into the seat and pressed a calming hand on his chest, trying to get his pulse to slow and lungs to take in the proper amount of air. His heart felt like it had taken up the entire cavity in his chest, leaving his insides feeling warm and full and happy. His legs couldn't stay still on the stained carpet flooring of the cab, his foot bounced profusely, and when he tried to stop it, the other one would simply start up the same process. The only thing he could hear was his own pulse beating hot in his ears and his heavy breathing. He'd never felt so alive and in love. 

The cab slammed to screeching halt all of a sudden, throwing Alex up against the back of the passenger seat. He looked up and realized they were in bumper to bumper traffic, right around the corner from Aaron's apartment building. 

“Why the hell did we stop?” Alex demanded, his anxiety building. 

“There's an accident blocking three lanes up ahead.” 

Alex did not have time for this. He thumped his heel on the floor and his fingers on the car door as he felt the cab crawl by at an agonizingly slow pace, feeling his nerves stretch and bubble even more with each time the car tilted forwards only to jerk to a stop no less than five seconds later. After only two minutes of the agonizing process, Alex was about to lose his mind, his already thin control wearing even thinner by the millisecond. He bounced in his seat as the car behind them honked irritably, his anxiety threatening to leave his throat through a scream. 

“Alright- I can't take this, here-” Alex yanked his wallet from his pocket and tore out a twenty, not caring if he was overpaying - he couldn't stay in this tiny ass cab any more. He threw the twenty through the little window between the backseat and the front, and opened the car door. “Keep the change.” He called as he jumped out. 

The headlights almost blinded him. The whole street was clogged up with cars, and it would probably be for a while. The entire block was illuminated by the watery bright light of the headlights. The car next to him honked, and he took a single moment to appreciate what a compromising position he was in. He didn't take too long though, instead jogged right down the narrow alleys between each car until he turned left and weaved through the cars towards the sidewalk. 

His hit feet the cement and he didn't waste a second to catch his breath before turning and sprinting down the sidewalk towards the corner. He rounded it and almost took out a group of teenagers in the process, hopping around them and mumbling an apology. He kept running, wondering if maybe he had took a wrong turn, but then he caught sight of the usual red brick of Aaron's apartment building and picked up the pace. He was panting when he burst through the entrance, making the secretary look up at him in surprise. He ran towards the elevator and slammed his fists against it in frustration when he saw the out of order sign taped to the metal. 

“Can I help you, sir?” The girl behind the counter leaned over and looked at him strangely. He sighed in irritation but shook his head, moving quickly to the staircase on the opposite end of the lobby. He took the stairs up two, three at a time, stopping for only a second to catch his breath on each landing. Soon enough he had reached the fourth floor, his adrenaline still there and pulsating through his body, making his legs tremble as he walked down the hall towards Aaron's apartment. He dug his key out of his pocket and held it in his hand, looking at it for a little while. He swallowed down his last bit of doubt and stuck it into the lock, twisting it and pushing the door open. 

His apartment was dark and empty, and Alex couldn't help but smile. It smelled like new books and dryer sheets, and all of it hit Alex so close to home. It reminded him of the rainy day where Aaron had first played for him and then laid him down in his bed, it reminded him of waking up to the smell of coffee and drinking it while watching the news, it reminded him of Aaron's down comforter and his collection of scented soaps and lotions. It reminded him of love. 

He pulled his shoes off and then padded quickly through the apartment towards Aaron's room. It was silent, and the only sound was the occasional, distant sound of cars honking outside. Aaron never snored. Alex stopped in front of his door, which was slightly ajar, and placed his hands gently on the wood. He pushed slightly and watched as the door swung slowly open. The room was almost pitch dark, but he could still see Aaron's form under the blankets, his back turned towards the door. Alex smiled and walked towards his bed, sitting down on the edge of it next to Aaron's legs. He reached over and touched his shoulder delicately, unsure if it would be rude to wake him or not. He scooted closer and watched his chest rise a few more times, before leaning down and pressing his lips to Aaron's warm cheek. 

And once Alex started, he couldn't stop. He moved his lips down Aaron's jaw and neck, pressing his hand to Aaron's chest to keep him still as his boyfriend muttered and shifted beneath him. Aaron turned his face upwards and opened his eyes blearily, making a noise of surprise when Alex pressed their lips together. His hand moved to Alex's cheek and he pushed gently, making Alex pull away. 

“Alex? What are-” 

Alex let out a short bark of ecstatic laughter and threw himself onto Aaron's body, knocking the breath out of him with a tight hug and bruising kiss. Aaron hesitated only a second before grabbing Alex's torso and pulling him down into the bed next to him, a groan escaping him that sent Alex's heart for a joyride. Alex kept right on kissing him, going fast and passionate in an attempt to make up for every kiss he'd deprived Aaron of these past two weeks. Aaron finally managed to pull away from Alex's teeth and tongue to get a cohesive sentence out. 

“What are you doing here?” He whispered against his mouth, his smile - such a happy, relieved thing it was- lighting up his face and making Alex’s world _burn_ \- just like everything else he did. 

“I'm in love with you.” Alex spat out before he could think of a proper, more explanatory response, and then licked his lips nervously. “I-...I love you so fucking much, Aaron. I-I’m so sorry I didn't say it before but I was just so fucking dumb, and I was scared and I-I took it out on you and I-I'm so sorry, I-” 

“Woah, Alex, baby, it's alright.” Aaron wiped his thumb under Alex's eye and Alex blinked in surprise as another hot tear rolled down his cheek, unaware that he had been crying. “I just wish you had talked to me about it, I would have understood.” 

“I-I'm so sorry.” Alex stuttered out, and now that he was aware of his tears, the sadness and guilt seemed to expand in his throat, choking him. He started to shake and buried his face in Aaron's shoulder, ashamed. “I'm so sorry, c-can you forgive me?” 

“Oh, of _course_ , of course I can, Alexander, please.” Aaron sat up and pulled Alex up with him, shielding his face and upper body in his chest and arms, knowing Alex just wanted to be held every once in awhile - he always knew what Alex liked. “I already forgive you, as a matter of fact- stop crying, honey, you’re okay, you're fine.” 

Alex tried to stop but all of his suppressed emotion was starting to make its way out, and once that started, there was only so much you could do to try and stop it. He clung to Aaron's shirt so hard his knuckles went white and he was pretty sure there were some kind of marks in Aaron's skin too. 

“Alexander, baby, you're safe, I’m right here.” Aaron grabbed one of Alex's hands and pushed it up underneath his shirt, resting it over his heart, forcing Alex to feel the beat of it. “I'm here with you, see? I'm right here, you're okay. We're okay, Alex.” 

Alex nodded and forced his mouth to close, suppressing his most of the sobs until only the occasional whimper would be let out. Aaron rubbed his back and held his hand and rocked him back and forth slowly, kissing his head occasionally. After a little bit, after Alex's sobs had subsided, he pulled gently out of Aaron's arms and got up from the bed. He felt Aaron's eyes on him the entire time he was stripping, felt his eyes following the curve of his legs and the plane of his back and the way his hair fell around his shoulders when he let it down. He moved over to Aaron's closet and pulled his hoodie from the closet, smelling it silently and sighing when he found that the smell of roses was still there. 

“Are you coming back?” Aaron asked from the bed as Alex pulled the hoodie on over his head. Alex looked over his shoulder at him, watching as Aaron pulled the covers back to let him into bed. Alex nodded happily and practically jumped into bed with him. He took Aaron's face in his hands and looked him in the eye. 

“Did you hear me say that I loved you?” 

“I heard.” Aaron nodded and grinned. 

“And?” Alex shifted next to him nervously. 

“Alexander,” Just the way Aaron sighed his name and tucked his hair behind his ear made his fears disappear. “I think you know I’ve loved you for a while.” 

Alex nodded and allowed Aaron to pull him down into the bed, nuzzling his chest and sticking a leg between Aaron's in order to get more comfortable. “I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner.” 

“It's fine. I suspected it, but I knew something was up and I didn't want to push you.” 

“You should’ve. If I’d realized how much I was hurting you sooner, than I would have stopped being such a dick.” 

"It's fine now, alright? I love you, Alexander. I love everything about you, even if you drive me crazy.” 

“Even if I drive you completely insane?” 

“Yes.” Aaron laughed and ran his hand through Alex's hair, listening to him hum in appreciation. “I love you now and I always will.” 

Alex sighed and buried his face in Aaron's chest, going silent as Aaron held him close to his heart and protected him from the world. 

When Alex woke up the next morning, Aaron wasn't in bed with him. He rolled over and looked around, finding the door open and the scent of coffee wafting in from the kitchen. He smiled and sat up, hoping Aaron made coffee for him. When he shambles out of the bed and into the hallway, he saw Aaron sitting at the piano in the living room. Aaron got particularly shy whenever Alex asked him to play, so Alex stayed hidden in hopes of hearing something. Aaron ran his hands lightly up and down the keys, his shoulders rising and falling to punctuate his sigh. And then miraculously, he moved his hands in front of himself and began to play, giving Alex what he wanted. 

The piece was beautiful, to say the least, and it was the least you could say about it only because it was so complicated. It was fast and aggressive in some parts before melting into a softer, slower tone; the notes ranged from the very lowest possible note to almost the very highest. Aaron played it beautifully, there was almost no hesitation in the notes, it was like he knew them all by heart. Alex wondered if maybe he had wrote it? It wouldn't be too surprising. Alex walked towards him as he played, going careful and quiet in fear of Aaron hearing and stopping. The song ended slowly, the notes crawling their way to the top until they reached the highest one and they stopped altogether. 

When Alex reached out and touched Aaron's shoulder hesitantly, he was surprised that he didn't flinch, until he realized Aaron had known he was there the entire time. He had been playing for _him_. The thought made Alex smile and he looped his arms around Aaron's shoulders and hugged him. Aaron raised his hands from the keys and placed them on Alex's forearm, and he turned his head to kiss his cheek. 

“Good morning.” He murmured - he hadn't been up very long, Alex could hear the sleep still resonating in his voice - and rested his head on Alex's shoulder. 

“G’mornin’” Alex muttered and nuzzled Aaron’s face lovingly. “Is that a new piece?” 

“Mhm.” Aaron nodded and moved to the side slightly to let Alex sit down. He draped his arm over Alex's shoulder and rested his chin atop his head. “I learned it because it reminded me of you.” 

“Aw, really?” Alex looked at him and smiled, feeling like a giddy child. He hadn't felt this nice in a long time. 

Aaron nodded and leaned in, obviously searching for a kiss. Alex hooked his finger under his jaw and pulled him in, hoping he would be able to wake up to mornings like this for the rest of his life. He hoped he'd be able to marry Aaron one day. Maybe he'd be lucky enough to raise a kid with him. He scooted in closer, gripping Aaron's face between his hands and pressing his tongue against his lips, wanting to be the one to make Aaron feel something. Aaron made a noise of surprise but responded willingly, leaning in and opening his mouth for Alex. Alex bit his lip and licked over the same area - relishing in the moan it pulled from his boyfriend - and then moved his kisses down his neck. 

Aaron tilted his head back as Alex put his mouth to work on his neck, biting and sucking and kissing and leaving marks that were sure to show later. Aaron ran his hands down Alex's back, whispering his name over and over like a mantra. Alex moved his tongue along the wide expanse of skin, tasting the lingering hint of soap on his skin. His shirt was tight, and Alex dragged his hands down it slowly pressing in to make Aaron feel the pressure. Aaron tucked his head towards Alex’s head and moaned hotly into his ear, making him shudder. Alex slid his hands up Aaron's shirt and then moved quickly to straddle him. Aaron gripped him by his thighs and pulled him forward into his lap, rocking his hips upwards so quickly that Alex was the one moaning this time. 

They continued to grind and kiss and moan each other's name for a crazy amount of time until Alex leaned too far back and stuck a hand out to catch himself on the piano keys, a loud jarring note ringing through the room that made them both jump. They instantly started to laugh afterwards though, clinging to each other’s warm bodies and laughing into skin. 

“I love you.” Alex whispered after a long moment of silence filled with nothing but heavy breathing and beating hearts. 

“I love you too.” Aaron whispered back and brushed their noses together. Alex hugged him close to his chest and sighed, his heart beating so loud Aaron had to be hearing it. Alex whispered the phrase again into the open air because it felt so good to finally say it to someone's ears and have it be true. Aaron rubbed his back and kissed his neck and whispered it back too and Alex wondered if this piano bench was cursed or something. Because he'd fallen in love with the same person twice while sitting here. 

But then again, he couldn't quite help it. 

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments heal me
> 
> Hey! Are pirate aus still a thing? What do you want to see me write next? Let me know y'all  
> marching band is beating my ass but ill work on it for y'all 
> 
> EDIT: again with the italics error, y'all need to stop letting me play myself like this smh
> 
> also come scream at me on Instagram @ bikai.nsta


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